Move over, Radio Shack! GameStop is now the #1 location for ignorant grandparents to buy disappointing Christmas gifts! Congratulations! Your discovery of this appendix in the hollowed-out crotch of the Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation standee (as part of a failed marketing deal GameStop stores must have at least nine of these on display at all times) means that your GameStop training is nearing completion. By now you’ve come to terms with working for minimum wage at a company that has a 90% profit margin on most items, learned the joys of six-hour alphabetizing drills, and no doubt your hands have been stained with the bong resin from so many traded-in Dreamcast games. As part of the natural corporate spirit-breaking process, many questions may be left unanswered or perhaps just misheard thanks to the nineteen screaming Iranian kids whose parents drop them off in the store for eight hours a day while they work at the jewelry kiosk near Aeropostale. We’ve taken some of the most popular questions posed by employees and answered them here, mainly because talking to a retail store manager is like falling into a bottomless razor-lined pit of despair from which no man can escape.

I’m a little confused about the value or trade-ins, and many people have threatened me with lead pipes and chains on this subject. Help!

Well Billy, the exchange rate of games-to-store credit - inspired by German inflation after World War I – is one of GameStop’s proudest and most government-investigated programs. While the trade-in price of any item can be found so easily in any of our computers that even a tragically inbred monkey could do it (that’s you, Billy), the following examples should provide you with enough information to satisfy customers who wonder why their filthy shoebox full of Gameboy Color games can’t be traded in “fer one a’them X-Stations.”

ItemValue
New Game (PS2, GCN, XBOX/360)$8.00 + free look at shelf holding racy anime DVDs
Last year’s MaddenFind pistol under counter, fire wildly in the air
Dreamcast/Dreamcast games3 cents + 20 minute conversation about how “the Dreamcast was the best system ever, man”
Dragonball GT Final Bout$2000 + fellatio to be negotiated outside of store
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