Not a Time to Heal for Everyone!
In the aftermath following last week's tragic attack, it warmed my heart to see politicians finally throwing aside petty differences and coming together as human beings. Together they mourned the nation's loss, and together they looked ahead to what our nation needed to do. Then, like a flock of harpies chattering from their caves, came the Christian extremists, lead by Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. They used the attack to launch into their usual rhetoric, attempting to drive a wedge back into the political and public forums. You can read more about it here.
Television evangelists Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, two of the most prominent voices of the religious right, said liberal civil liberties groups, feminists, homosexuals and abortion rights supporters bear partial responsibility for Tuesday's terrorist attacks because their actions have turned God's anger against America.
You read that correctly folks; the religious right is blaming the ACLU, feminists, homosexuals and abortion for the World Trade Center attacks. I'll try to ignore the fact that Falwell's statements look uneasily like the epithets spewing from equally hostile Muslim extremists like Osama bin Laden. While the rest of the nation prepares to wage a war on terrorism using the most sophisticated weapons in our arsenal, the religious right is similarly preparing to fight a battle, only theirs is against slightly different targets. With money raked in hand over fist from televangelism, bumper sticker sales, and possibly praying for giant gold bricks to fall from the sky, they have pieced together a formidable engine of war.
Yesterday R-Lo offered a glimpse of the futuristic gadgets the United States we preparing to deploy against our enemies, so today I would like to offer you the weapons of the Christian extremists.
The Gay Robot"Beeep! Heeyyy there sailor!"Robots are normally asexual, but eXtreme Christian scientists have developed a droid capable of behaving like a flaming homosexual to lure human homosexuals out into the open. It will sway around a region occasionally dropping a handkerchief and lisping things like "oh dear" and "I wish there were someone in this sector to engage in sodomy with." It will be stationed near glory holes around the world and will emit a knockout gas when homosexuals take the bait, rendering them unconscious. The unconscious homosexuals will be dragged to a reprogramming facility where their sexual demons can be exorcised. Variants on the Gay Robot include the "Lipstick Lesbian Robot", the "Bull Dyke Robot", and the "Stealth Homosexual Robot" that constantly talks about its girlfriend and pretends to hate gays. The standard Gay Robot is equipped with a five-use knockout gas gun, a saucy handkerchief, and mesh-shirt armor.
I have seen test footage of these things in action and they are deviously effective.Gay Robot: BEEP BEEP! I am in mode: search for gay MALE to perform THE GAY with in this sector.This robot is obviously hell on wheels, only it has feet, so I suppose it is hell on feet.
Possible Homosexual: What did you say?
Gay Robot: BEEEEEEP! I would like to go to your HOME and touch your PENIS.
Possible Homosexual: Are you a robot?
Gay Robot: BEEP BEEP! Yes, thank YOU for asking. I have purchased this handkerchief from GAY CATALOG TITLE.
Possible Homosexual: Come to think of it, I always have wanted to screw a robot.
Gay Robot: BEEP BEEP! Step closer SIR and we can make THE GAY.
Possible Homosexual: Hot damn!
Gay Robot: BEEEEEEEP! ALERT! ALERT! HOMOSEXUAL DETECTED! COMMENCE GASSING.
Possible Homosexual: Not again!
The Pro Life Satellite Defense System
Extremely proactive Christian anti-abortionists and theologians have pumped billions of dollars into stopping legal abortion. While they wanted us to think that they were spending all this cash on lobbying and publicity campaigns, in actuality most of the money was being channeled to a top secret project that has just recently been made public. The Pro Life Satellite Defense System was activated the day after the World Trade Center bombing and it consists of a network of spy satellites and a single powerful ballistic interceptor orbital platform. The spy satellites are capable of detecting an abortion in progress by measuring the concentration of abortion protestors outside a clinic. The ballistic interceptor will then magnetically accelerate a nickel cadmium penetrator round at the operating room where the abortion is being performed. The resulting impact will kill everyone within the operating room. It was initially hoped that a laser could be developed that would allow them to just incinerate the doctor performing the abortion, but this proved unfeasible as "Insane Jesus" does not have a firm grasp on optical laser technology.
The Hypno ChristMarauding Hypno Christs will be coming to a town near you. On the up side at least you will stop masturbating every five minutes.Not everyone believes in the Violently Intolerant Christian cause, especially normal Christians and non-Christians. In an ingenious stroke of propaganda and a clever effort to sway mass opinion towards their efforts to rid the world of feminists, abortion, homosexuals, and free-thinkers, the Christian right has developed the Hypno Christ. By treating volunteers within their organization with a battery of extremely pious chemicals, they discovered that many of them would develop incredible mesmeric powers. When a normal person was exposed to these hypnotic emanations their brain would immediately conform to the will of the mesmerist. Slap some robes on the person, a fake beard, a fright wig, and a metal crown of thorns that acts as a signal amplifier and you have a powerful tool. Thus, the Hypno Christ was created, and the Christian right is preparing to unleash several of these on the unsuspecting masses. So overwhelming are the commands of the Hypno Christ, that not only do those affected obey completely, but they will unthinkingly change every routine in their life to conform to the strictures of the Christian right. Even their thought processes are transformed!Before Hypno Christ: I am going to engage in homosexual activity.Hypno Jesus may be the scariest thing to come out of the labs of the Christian right so far, but it isn't the ultimate weapon in their arsenal by any means.
After Hypno Christ: I am going to marry, have sex twice for purposes of procreation, and name my children after angels.
Before Hypno Christ: God is dead.
After Hypno Christ: God is on vacation and assistant God is in charge of things.
Before Hypno Christ: I am going to make toast.
After Hypno Christ: I am going to make toast, for Hypno Jesus!
Before Hypno Christ: I sure would like to have an abortion.
After Hypno Christ: I sure would like to send money to the 700 Club.
Before Hypno Christ: I am afraid of snakes!
After Hypno Christ: I want these snakes to bite me so I can prove that Hypno Jesus protects me!
Before Hypno Christ: It is a wonderful day out today.
After Hypno Christ: It would be a wonderful day if it weren't for all these Jews.
Before Hypno Christ: My favorite musical group is Korn!
After Hypno Christ: My favorite musical group is the Lord!
Before Hypno Christ: These pants don't fit any more. I must be getting fat.
After Hypno Christ: These pants don't fit any more. This must be a sign that I need to bomb another clinic.
These dastardly bombs contain coils of metal that fragment when the core charge detonates, usually in an airburst that showers people below with shrapnel. These fragments are unique in that they only cause damage to the hands, feet, and head of those hit. The people immediately collapse into heaps, bleeding like Christ on the cross, and Weekly World News photographers come out of the woodwork to take pictures. If the bombing occurs in the rural Midwest or an underdeveloped nation such as Southern Mexico or Central America, unaffected people will flock around and stand in lines to kiss the forehead of the people injured by the bombs. It will also tie up the resources of the Catholic Church, which will be forced to send advisor priests to investigate each stigmata bomb attack for consideration as a miracle.Usiel might not look like much, but he's really good at Galaga. The Angel Usiel
Somehow the Christian right managed to convince Usiel - an angelic warrior and lieutenant to Gabriel during Satan's rebellion in heaven - to come to earth to fight for their cause. This is less terrifying and apocalyptic than it sounds as Usiel is widely considered to be the biggest pussy ever to carry a flaming sword of the Lord's Wrath. He is really out of shape and will collapse panting to the ground from beheading only like ten infidels. If he rains down fire it's because it was going to rain fire anyways. Usiel is lucky if he can work up the motivation to push a sinner down a flight of steps. Usiel usually just sits around the lounge in the Christian right's secret bunker eating Sun Chips and drinking Dr. Pepper. He has recorded the highest score in all the Choirs of Heaven on the lounge's Galaga machine and God Almighty is considering promoting him for his skill with letting one of his ships get captured and then shooting that ship that captures your ship and then having two ships at the same time.
Please don't misconstrue this article. I have no problem with Christianity, but I do have a big fucking problem with bigots like Falwell and Robertson (who I previously thought was more levelheaded than Falwell) spewing their vile brand of hate into the media at a time when the United States and the World needs to come together in peace and unity. The only thing that separates them from the terrorists who committed the attack is that their level of insane zeal doesn't extend to suicide bombings. It is my firm belief that religion should never be used as an excuse for hate, abuse, or especially violence.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.