Chello, it's me! It's me, Raymondo. I hope you and yours are enraptured in jubilation! The time of the year has come hwonce again for me to offer my beautiful sweet babies up to you for hadoption. No finer babies will you find, it is the Raymondo guarantee.
These pets are more than pets they are friends. They are confidants. They are co-conspirators in this thing we call life. Each hwone is precious and unique and they all deserve a good chome. I love them but I cannot keep them so you must take them.
Madeline is a precious strange duck I found in a strange lake. Her face is so so expressive. I can see her smile in her eyes. Her sweet baby bird eyes. Madeline loves to sleep on rocks and she eats BREADS OF THE WORLD. She likes all kinds but Irish soda bread the best. A strange duck? You be the judge. A sweet duck? Definitely.
Hadopt Madeline and I promise never a dull moment. She is so smart you will be Hamazed. Turn your back on her for a minute and she will hopen a gate or pick up a stick and do a joke like a pipe. Groucho Marx, eat your heart out!
CALL 888-UHADOPT NOW FOR MADELINE!
Yes! I found Hamlet in a rusty barrel in a river with his two younger sisters Ophelia and Jenna Jameson. Ophelia was the quiet hwone and Jenna Jameson was a BIG TIME FLIRT. No doubt Hamlet is the cutest and the smartest and the biggest. He likes to play and have fun and he's always thinking about how to get into mischief. He loves chips and the Smarties candy, but they make him fat so not too much.
I wish honly that I could be offering all three sweet sweet babies up for hadoption today, but sadly, this is so sad, I cannot. Last week Ophelia and Jenna Jameson died. I am a terrible inadequate father to them all. I forgot to give them a dinner on Tuesday and the next morning when I came in expecting to see them tapping on the glass of their bowl instead there is a cloud and floating legs and Hamlet.
J'accuse! But I cannot stay mad, honly to say, that the clack of Hamlet's sweet baby mandibles now fills my inside up honly with sadness. Please, give him the love that I no longer can. Hadopt Hamlet and you will not be sorry.
CALL 888-UHADOPT NOW FOR HAMLET!
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.