If you primarily answered "A", congratulations: you are the local shopkeeper!
Your entire existence is guided by the invisible hand of the free market. You do not flee from enemy soldiers attacking your village; you attempt to sell them weapons which will make them more effective at murdering your family. Every citizen in your town despises you with a passion, which explains why you haven't left your store since birth.
If you primarily answered "B", congratulations: you are the hero!
There's a reason why bad things happen to good people, and you were born to murder the hell out of those bad things. Somebody in your life needs some serious revenging, and your ability to hold a sword twice the length of your body makes you the ideal candidate. Oh, and it also helps that you're one of the only people in the world capable of initiating a conversation.
If you primarily answered "C", congratulations: you are a local townsperson!
Your entire world is limited to the 16x16 grid you relentlessly pace across throughout night and day. Sure, you may have heard rumors about some evil force plotting to destroy your very existence, but chances are pretty good somebody else will show up and deal with that whole thing. After all, you can't be expected to leave your grid of familiarity; who else will thrill passing adventurers with two lines of dialogue, one of which revolves around your opinion of cats?
If you primarily answered "D", congratulations: you are the bad guy!
Your favorite hobbies include sketching out revolutionary new capes, laughing in a conversation despite the absence of any jokes, and providing important jobs to people or creatures who are clearly not qualified. You compensate for your inability to create logical, successful plans by throwing around a seemingly infinite supply of resources. The world is your oyster, assuming you regularly make oysters explode or send them spiraling into a darkened world of unspeakable chaos.
If you primarily answered "E", congratulations: you are the partner!
When you were a child, your favorite game was "Follow the Leader," but that was only because somebody else told you it was. You have never, at any point in your life, physically stood in front of another human being. Don't worry if the muscled idiot you're mindlessly following gets into trouble and dies; you'll simply stop existing! And honestly, were you truly existing in the first place?
Thank you for successfully completing the questionnaire, [NULL]! One of our authorized representitves will soon contact you and begin the process of importation. We look forward to you joining the exciting, dynamic world of [UNTITLED]!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.