This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Congratulations, Marionette Family!
Delivering bad news is a difficult but necessary part of my job. For every one exceptional dog present at our Kennel Fair Dog Pageants, we easily see one hundred dogs unworthy of advancing to the semifinals. Indeed, many of these dogs are not even worthy to continue living.
That is why I am so delighted to deliver genuine good news: Your beautiful Basenji, Barquis de Sade, is definite "top dog" material, and certainly worthy of competing for the Best in Show Award in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Tournament of Champions! Barquis made quite the impression on us during his bold showing in our recent Invitational. We feel he stands in "bark contrast" to the mediocrity most canines revel in, making him truly worthy of this high honor. Both you and Barquis deserve great praise, and the chance to go all the way!
As a matter of courtesy, it is my duty to report that the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Tournament of Champions will be deviating slightly from what is described in the official information packets.
First, I must make you aware of a newly implemented judging fee. This modest fee is meant to compensate our organization and judges for their service and expertise in appraising your dog. I believe my skills and credentials speak for themselves, so please allow me to speak to the skills and qualifications of my fellow judges.
Judge Chester Knap has authored over thirteen books on dogs, including Studies in Canine Genital Swelling and Solutions for Tomorrow: The Untapped Energy Potential of Dogs. In addition, he also boasts three degrees from his community college and knows his way around a barbecue. Judge Elizabeth Beemarsh has a lifetime of canine expertise to draw from. She has lived with dogs for over fifty years and, due to undiagnosed mental issues, spent some four wonderful years homeless living amongst stray dogs.
As you can see, this fee could easily reach into the tens of thousands of dollars. However, we believe it is important to share knowledge, even at a loss. As such, your bill for participating in last month's Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Invitational is only $350.00, payable immediately.
We must also make you aware that the fee for participating in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Tournament of Champions was erroneously left out of your information packet. Participation is a modest $500.00. We believe that sum to be remarkably small when compared to the lifetime of satisfaction that comes from competing in North America's third most popular annual dog show.
We believe that Barquis de Sade could easily walk away the winner. Unfortunately, due to financial hardships, the glorious trophy depicted in your information packet is no longer available. We are working to replace the trophy with something equally grand, though it will not be made of the same expensive materials. Judge Beemarsh is known to entertain many crafts and has promised to deliver something "bedazzling."
There has also been a slight change in venue. We will no longer be hosting the event in beautiful St. Louis, Missouri. Instead, the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Tournament of Champions will take place in Bozeman, Montanna.
We are pleased to announce that this event will be something of a family affair, free of the gratuitous and distracting pomp that often overshadows the most important part of the show: The dogs! This intimate competition will take place in the backyard of Judge Chester Knap's son's house, located just five miles off of Interstate 90.
The scheduled time of the event has been pushed back to 10pm to accommodate Chester Knap's son, who works nightshifts and forbids any visitors while he is home. It goes without saying that Chester Knap's quest for excellence in the canine form meant he had little time for his family, causing much resentment and a great deal of friction.
We desperately hope you can attend this prestigious event. If possible, perhaps we can even arrange a carpooling situation.
Eagerly awaiting your prompt reply and payment,
Richard W. Beauregard
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.