This article is part of the News Magazine of the Computer Screen series.


A strange and unusual tractor was sighted in a field in the quiet farming community of Drummond, Oklahoma on Wednesday, causing quite the commotion! Several farmers standing near a barn observed a strange and bright object in the distance, moving silently through a field like some diabolic knife across the throat of Lady Liberty!

"It was about 12:15 and me and the boys was enjoying some sandwiches that Ma fixed us," reported eye witness Farmer George, who lost most of his eyesight during the startling event! "The next minute we saw that tractor and suddenly it was three hours later and we were behind on our work. No idea how that happened! No idea in the world!"

One motorist with severe burns all over his body said, "It was shiny and seemed glimmer in the sun. I had to stop the car and get a better look. The next thing I know my car is out of gas. I had half a tank."

Noted town drunk Eli Hornraker claims to have actually ridden the tractor. "Yeah, I rode on the tractor them all is talkin' about," said the man, imbibing vigorously in a desperate attempt to destroy whatever demon is lurking inside him! "I pray to god I don't ever have to ride on it again."

Local scientists noted higher than usual radioactive activity in the area, as well as strange electromagnetic phenomena never before observed in nature!

"I'd sure like to see this tractor for myself," said Professor Winchester Groinblaster. "Based on the electromagnetic properties lingering in the field, I suspect it could transport hay in ways beyond our comprehension."

In the wake of the tractor sighting the town was swamped with members of the Good Farmers' Association, who investigated the sighting and determined it was merely a trick of light caused by a reflection from a windmill.

Not so fast says Farmer George! "There ain't no windmills nearby. I seen a tractor for sure!"

This just goes to show that there is always something exciting happening in Oklahoma!


Idiot, buffoon, knucklehead. Those are just some of the names the president called himself during a press conference in which he tried to explain his biggest blunder yet! "I'm sorry!" he yelled while hitting himself in the face repeatedly. "I'm so sorry!"

"He told me he just needed a couple million now, and the profits would start rolling in right away," said the now homeless president in a hotel conference room packed full of reporters.

The President was suckered by the notorious J. Q. Haberdasher, a conman known by one and all throughout the whole of Washington. That is, of course, with the exception of our knucklheaded commander-in-chief, who thought it would be a good idea to give him the deed to the White House! What a dimwit!

"He said he would make us all rich. I was a fool to believe him," added a sobbing president, on his knees like a lowly fool begging the American people for a second chance.

Haberdasher met his mark when he convinced the lamebrain president that if he fronted enough capital, he could buy his way into a lucrative land deal that would net billions. The president, ever the bumbling idiot, believed him, and quickly offered up the White House deed, claiming it was "worth its weight in gold."

Haberdasher quickly absconded with the White House, having it moved to his home town of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, where he plans to turn it into an amusement venue and musical theatre.

When asked if he was sorry for tricking the president and robbing the American people, the knavish rogue offered only a laugh, which lasted for fifteen gruesome minutes that gnawed at the American psyche like some ravenous buzzard! Unable to find fault in Haberdasher's paperwork, all we can do is clench our fists and howl like mad dogs at the cold, indifferent moon!

Meanwhile, little Timmy, age 7, stares at the vacant lot occupying 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. "What a horrid shame," proclaimed the tiny tike. "Truly a magnificent blight on the American landscape and a shame we share as one."

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

About this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.