1. Nightwatch Brigade Insignia
Awarded for hiding in a coat closet and watching God's Not Dead, God's Not Dead 2, and Last Man Standing on a 1980s-era portable tv every night instead of sleeping
2. Alex Jones Award For Excellence In Opportunism, Sweaty Ambition, And Cognitive Dissonance
3. Loyal Patriot Badge
Bought 10 fake medals, got this one free
4. Strong America Good Award
Defended the president on tv in a shamefully transparent attempt to curry favor, which worked, because of course it did
5. Honor Country Service Withhold Water From Prisoners Until They Die Award
6. The Vigilant Patriot Honor
Went three years without blinking
7. Purple Dilbert
Made Scott Adams seem relatively inane
8. Courage Under Fire Medal
Sustained numerous injuries while attempting to don an oversized cowboy hat, the inside of which had been lined with fake medals
9. USA USA USA
Granted for putting on an air of surety and toughness that shows he definitely isn't an insecure idiot
10. The Freedom Award For Distinguished Plagiarism
11. The Brave Patriot Cross
Called for an uprising when Obama was president, then successfully kept a straight face while claiming that Trump critics need to be suppressed
12. Eagle Freedom Non-Participation Award
The highest honor bestowed upon dutiful Americans for never serving in the military
13. Sheriff's Badge
One of these things must be real so I'm guessing it's this one, but I might be giving the guy too much credit
14. Seriously, Nice Job Making Prisoners Under Your Care Die Award
15. Joe the Plumber Medal of Honor
16. Freedom Veteran Badge
Served twenty tours of duty as a talking head on cable news without deploying a single reasonable or coherent point
17. Charlie's Rest Stop Steakhouse Medal of Accomplishment
You ate the whole thing - gristle and all - in under an hour... nice job!
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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