Responded to a call of a woman with a raccoon on her roof. A large Blue Jay was spotted on her chimney and taken out by tactical sniper Officer Johnson. One neighbor was also arrested for assaulting an officer in an unrelated incident and their jet skis were confiscated.
SWAT officers responding to a call of a missing dog found the dog in a nearby forest and were forced to kill it when it behaved in a threatening manner by coming towards them wagging its tail and not heeding commands to "Halt! Get down on your face and put your hands above your head!"
Tactical Sniper Officer Johnson is killed while off duty in a tragic body shots and jet ski incident.
Apprehended a known horse. Two other horses slightly killed.
Loose pig at the county fair was reported eating several huckleberry pies lined up for the pie eating contest. Alpha team deployed from the Chubbuck 1 helo unit using fast roping techniques and secured a perimeter for the Armored Command Center "War Pig" to breach the main pavilion, deploy concussion charge, and eliminate all possible threats posed by livestock. 61 pigs, 39 chickens, 14 goats and a dog were killed. One 4H councilor was deafened by explosions. Pie-eating pig neutralized, mission successful.
Responded to a call of a woman with a raccoon in her basement. The War Pig's pneumatic ram was used to breach the door and a no-knock team entered, deploying stun grenades and using bean bag rounds on a child in a neighbor's yard. CS gas was used to disperse onlookers. Woman caller was located on top floor, seemed disoriented, resisted and was subdued using taser which, unfortunately, caused her to seize. She remains in a coma. Secured a ladle and two brooms that looked somewhat like firearms, located a smuggler's hold/cellar entrance on the rear of the residence, breached with thrown charges, discovered major meth production lab operated by raccoons.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Were you enjoying your day? STOP! There is outrageous crap going on you need to know about!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.