This article is part of the The Great American Reach Around series.

Richmond, Virginia

Remember how a couple pages back I mentioned that the more closely a state identifies with the Confederacy, the worse it's probably going to be? Yeah, well, Richmond was the fucking capital of the Confederacy. Welcome to Shitmond, Shitginia. Enshit your shit.

First, let me just say, "Fuck Richmond." I rarely come at these with an outright hostility for a region or even city, but in 1996 I got food poisoning at a Waffle House in Richmond. For those of you who aren't aware, Waffle House is a chain of restaurants that serves waffles and Hepatitis throughout the South and Midwest. They are abject hovels of despair and filth and they're open all night long.

Anyway, as it turned out, my case of food poisoning was not waffleborne, but rather it owed to a microorganism called Cryptosporidium that was infesting Richmond's municipal water supply. Unbeknownst to myself and, apparently, the proprietors of the Waffle House, there was a boil order on for that particular part of Richmond.

Over the next six days I learned exactly how the "South will rise again," and it turned out to be through my anus as a sort of searing watery blast.

Oh yeah, Richmond is an ugly dump of a city and I hope it gets swallowed up by a giant sinkhole. Fuck Virginia in hell. Forever.


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