A year or so ago I subjected you fine readers to one of my more barbaric ego gratification exercises. I made myself a crest, one that was as majestic as it was awesome. Well, after the success of that article, I got a job designing crests for wealthy aristocratic pedophiles in various Eastern European countries I had no idea even existed, let alone had wealth. I also got molested. I had heard of a coating of arms before, but I had no idea it was going to be so sticky and degrading. That's all beside the point, though, so we need not mention it any further. In the end, I cleaned up pretty big in Eastern Europe. But then after exchange rates were factored in, I managed to spend all my fantastic new money on one lousy ticket home, as well as a pack of chewing gum.
While my profits overseas were lackluster, the gum was pretty good. Sadly, though, America does not run on gum. In order to salvage what was left of my finances, I turned to the one monkey making venue we all know and love: e-mail spam. So far it's worked nicely. I know that when I send each and every one of you a dozen e-mails letting you know just how miniscule your penis is in the greater scheme of things, a part of you dies and remains dead until you begin taking my spam seriously. It's worked out great. I make enough money to pay for vanity items such as food and water, and you get unsolicited bulk e-mail delivered right to your home. The one thing that my new career as a seller of everything from magic penis pills to discount replacement ink cartridges is lacking is prestige. My job as a spammer carries with it a stigma, which is not to be confused with stigmata, a similar ailment I suffer from. Seeing as how my brain is quite capable of putting two and two together, I devised that I could add a sense of respectability to my new profession if I designed a Spammer's Crest. Since I have to write an article as part of Internet community service, you get to see me do my work.
Phase 1: Shield the crest!
Just as a fat person would not be complete without a heart condition, a crest would not be complete without a shield. Shields may seem archaic in this modern age of handguns and ball lightning, but they are a tradition that we should strive to preserve. Once they guarded our ancestors from the murderous Hun, now we guard them from obscurity. In most crests the shield is usually emblazoned with symbols commonly associated with the family it represents. Since I am designing a crest for the art of spamming, I believe it is crucial to take advantage of this prime marketing space. The shield of the spammer promotes Internet gambling, which is a perfectly legitimate way folks like you can earn thousands, or potentially lose all of your e-welfare check. I think it's safe to say I'm off to a good start.
Phase 2: Populating the crest
At this point I wanted to give my crest a small but respectable population. I chose two classic standbys: the knight and the griffin. As you may note, my griffin is sporting a graduation cap and gown. Obviously, he's celebrating his newly earned college degree awarded from a famous accredited school that charged him only a few mouse clicks. While you bust your ass spending years working on some meaningless degree in microeconomics or astrophysics, this smart griffin saved himself a barrel of hassle and got his degree through an Internet site advertised in none other than spam e-mail! Some of you may note that my griffin lacks a set of legs, and to you I say: "get a fucking life, you fantasy-obsessed loser!" With his brand new degree, our griffin friend is also able to take advantage of rock bottom mortgage rates that are so low he just might trip over them if he doesn't pay attention! He won't need wings to stay above his finances, not when he commands knowledge like a spaceship speeding through the universe at twice the speed of sound!
On the other side you will note a brave knight, obviously fresh from ravaging a fair and beautiful maiden. You may also note his throbbing erection, which is likely to dismount any opponent in a joust. Thanks in part to a penis enlargement program he ordered through spam, our brave knight was able to provide his fair maiden with screaming orgasms that echoed throughout the chambers of the castle. He certainly didn't have any trouble getting his lance up, thanks to those Viagra pills he's popping all the time. Of course after a hard day of hot sex with nubile princesses and maidens, he takes a heavy dosage of Xanax, Valium, and Vicodin to relax his mind and body for a good night of sleep where he dreams of pleasing an endless conveyor belt of the sexy women rumored to live in his area. Save the chivalry for the squires, Sir Knight!
But wait! What's this? Our brave knight also carries a scroll from you to you! Be sure to open that attachment, because it obviously contains an important message from yourself.
Phase 3: Increasing the population
Even though the crest already hosts a full house with the courageous triumvirate of shield, horny knight, and educated griffin, there is still room for more. I decided to add a lovely Nigerian flag to honor our brave Nigerian friends who entrust millions of dollars to regular citizens like you and me in hopes of carving out a better life elsewhere. Nigerian businessmen, your trust will not go without reward! May the Valkyries carry you to your most sacred Valhalla!
And while those Valkyries ride, you can recreate the horrors of Vietnam in your backyard with your own radio-controlled toy helicopter! Dive low into Charlie's territory as you imagine this adorable chopper tearing the VC to pieces! Advertised heavily in spam, RC helicopters are all the rage these days and I'd be a fool not to include one in my crest.
Phase 4: Banners, mottos, and more!
Spam is inarguably abrasive and in your face, like the mosquito equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith. But what does spam really say? Is it pure gibberish, or something deeply profound? The answer is somewhere in the middle, of course. Some would argue that it's a nonstop sales pitch from shady advertisers too cowardly to show their face or even their real names, but the truth is much different. Spamming is an honorable profession, and all spammers live by the credo that everyone should have the right to unsubscribe from future mailings. As such, that powerful statement occupies the very top of this crest. Normally I don't think words appearing on banners would get hyphenated around creases, but then sometimes you have to break an egg to make an omelet. Sometimes. I also felt it was important to capture some of the vernacular of our trade, and so the lower banner features popular spam phrases such as "v.iagra" and "work from home" and some random letters that serve a nefarious purpose I am forbidden by sacred handshake to reveal. Rest assured that every conspiracy theory you've heard about the sinister meanings behind the writing and symbols on the US dollar bill pales in comparison to the unspeakable evil containerized in these ominous random letters. Like the knowledge that God is really a giant galactic tapeworm, this is something you're better off not knowing.
With all my elements in place, I decided to finish this thing off with a lovely arrangement of leaves. Hot damn, the crest is now complete! She sure is a beauty, ain't she? Now us spammers can take pride in our great and noble career.
I hope you enjoyed this fine endeavor, and I hope you enjoy your spam as well. I know that I truly appreciate all 200+ pieces of junkmail I receive each day. You really have to enjoy the product you distribute to make it in this profession, and I don't think there is a spammer alive who doesn't appreciate getting spammed by his fellow spammer. The next time you get an ad for something you don't want or need, take a few minutes to look it over. It might just be something that could fit into your house! And if it is, then there is no reason not to buy it.
First We Gotta Shoot the Mini-Movies
Hey everyone, this is Ben "XxKillajuggaloxX" Platt here with part two of my review of the horror anthology known as "Dark Stories: Tales from Beyond the Grave." I know you've all been holding your breath over the last two weeks to see what the last three short films were like, and now you finally can! Plus, hey, I'll bet that breath thing has got to be some kind of world record.
Of all of the shorts in "Dark Stories: Tales from Beyond the Grave," "Sure to Rise" is by far the most useless. With almost no dialogue, only the loose workings of a plot, and occasional bursts of annoying or just plain bad music, this ten minute dry heave has no redeeming value other than to make the other shorts look better by comparison.
I wrote it. Now you read it. Then, our transaction will be complete.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.