I think you know who that is. It's the guy from The Rock and National Treasures. Nicolas Cage. I just hate that dude and I'm not sorry about it. I don't hate a lot of dudes but this dude is in movies all the time that have the sweetest trailers I have ever seen and then you go see the movie and this dude is in it being lame. Yeah, sure, the idea behind National Treasures 2 was genius. A secret Aztec gold pyramid inside Mount Rushmore? Awesome. But then instead of Laura Croft in a Scuba suit you get this dude with hair plugs talking to Laura Croft's dad about old people sex. What the hell????
For that alone and for that Bangkok movie that just made me super super mad I am going to punish Nicolas Cage with a Double Dragon Stomp. This brutal finishing move attacks two tender areas, the throat and the belly, and delivers crushing force equal to a full-force horse kick. Not the Horse Kick Technique, a horse kicking. The throat stomp crushes the trachea against the vertebrae possibly killing my enemy.
The other foot delivers a powerful attack to Tan Tien Point just below the navel. This is likely to herniate or rupture the small intestine instantly. Even if Nicolas Cage is not killed outright, he will have to deal with painful surgery and weeks of physical therapy. Try making another The Rock, foolhardy weakling.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.