You all may have heard about this bozo in New Zealand who snapped a baby's neck while doing a chiropractor adjustment on the baby. Pretty messed up. Rule number one on baby alignments is you don't go in there like a commando taking out a security guard. You got to be firm, but use some finesse, bro. Come on. Get it together.
Lucky this happened over in some other country so we don't get a bunch of new regulations or whatever on babies that could be helped by alignments. But still because the Internet and people get dumb ideas from it I thought I would clear up a few misconceptions about chiropracting a baby.
Number one biggest misconception: babies don't need alignments.
Look how happy this dude is that's because his morgellons was cured by a full c1 through c7 alignment. What I call "the upper deck."Think about it like this, bro, a baby being born is like you trying to Metroid roll out a tunnel the size of a Campbell soup can. You think that sounds easy? Trust me, nine times out of ten a little baby is going to throw something out of whack which statistically is 90% of babies have back problems.
You just don't hear about it because they can't tell you, "Mommy, I'm working on a T1 subluxation here." All they can do is cry. So if you got a baby and it's crying, odds are nine times out of ten an alignment will fix it. You take your baby into another doctor, they'll tell you it's gas, or it's normal, or it's whooping cough. What your baby needs is his back aligned.
Let me get in there and just put the squeeze on that C1 and C2, work my way down, I'll push those rocks into place like Tetris, bro. I will sort that out for your baby.
Getting a good chiropractor to align your little baby will help with gas, crankiness, cross-eyed looks, weird baby sounds, hissy baby, baby won't eat, some temper issues, baby throwing up, weird face. Whatever, bro. I go this.
Plop that little baby down on the table and I will go to town on him. Don't get upset. After that first squeeze he'll like it. I promise you, bro. Nine times out of ten kids love me. Your baby afraid of dogs? Doesn't like thunder? Crawls funny? Might be the C3, bro. Let me put it in this scanner thing I have, zip-zap-zoop, and we'll know which one is the problem.
Had one baby come in here with a coccyx the size of a grapefruit. All he could do was cry about it. Ten minutes later I had that little dude rolling around and spitting everywhere.
Fact number two: it's never too early to get your baby aligned.
Me and my chiro bud, Chiro Bud do pro bono alignments at the rodeo.You want your baby going around in pain? You want that, bro? I didn't take you for a bozo.
You get your wife to pop the little guy right out, put in a bucket, bring him in. I'll dump him out and get everything straight as a railroad man. I got this. Your baby got some pimples? I'll wring him out like a dishrag. Birth mark? Those suckers pop right off if you get everything aligned. I fixed a kid's cleft palate one time by do some upper lumbar work. Your spine is like the middle of your body. It's connected to everything.
There was one baby born with an innie dick. Some quack circumcision doctor type of bozo wanted to pull it out with surgery. I was like, hold on there, prop this dude up on this speed bag. Hold him like you're holding an extra point kick. Alright. Now you may hear some cracking. That just means it's all working. Two adjustments. Wiener popped right out of there like a turkey timer.
Third real truth: for chiropractoring to work you've got to believe.
It's similar to hypnotism or levitation. You just have to read enough articles about it on Natural News, talk to some mommies who have anecdotes (the most valuable kind of medical statistic) and zip-zap-zoop your baby is flipping tinkerbell, bro. Doing somersaults instead of laying around the lamb rocker crying about gas balls.If you don't believe your baby might get something messed up during the alignment. That's honestly nine out of ten times what happens when an alignment goes wrong.
So take it from me, bro. I've been at this baby chiropractor stuff for almost fifteen months. I took a night class on it. I know what is up. Just hand your precious baby over to me and let me squeeze them as hard as I can in the spine.
You want to set up an appointment? We'll get it all taken care of. I also got a tanning salon for babies if you want your baby lean and tan.
If you need more wellness tips for your tot be sure to follow Zack on Facebook.
The valor pigs have been looking over your uniform and trying to find fault. Time to show them how army is done!
You said to submit t-shirt ideas to this e-mail address, so here are some I have come up with.
Video games make it socially acceptable to point at Jane
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.