Nintendo's latest installment of the popular "Super Smash Bros" series of jump-hitters hit non-Japan countries worldwide on the third or fourth of October to critical and fan acclaim. A scant few days later, pro gamers and aspiring pro gamers are already developing their strategies, uber-strategies, and meta-tech. By the time the Wii U version of the game is released in December, all possible player actions will be so mapped out that you'll be able to predict the victor in 90% of online matches within 5 seconds, by using a complex algorithm being developed by the fine folks over at smashwiki-fight.info.
If you think that sounds not fun, don't worry - as an aspiring pro gamer myself [with many industry ties], I've already been working on my personal competitive strategy, which accounts for spacing, matchup, meta, combo, all that sort of good stuff. And now I'm going to share some of my knowledge with you!
TIP #1: USE TOP TIER CHARACTERS
You must be a real joker if you're thinking about using any character who isn't the best at fighting - and winning! If there's a character that isn't listed here, they are NOT worth using - that's a g0m guarantee!
Official Description: Toon Link "Sails in" from The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker! This plucky youngster might look harmless, but he's got a quiver full of arrows and a sheath full of sword! This is ONE pint-sized hero you DON'T want to mess with!
Side Smash: Master Sword - Toon Link draws his sword of legend and delivers a mighty blow! Look out!
B + side: Arrow Strike - Boom! Pow! Your enemies will be running for cover from these mighty exploding arrows!
B + down: Hyper Crouch - Not so fast, Ganon... Link's on the case! Avoid enemy attacks with this upgraded version of Link's iconic crouch.
Character Summary: Toon Link has most of his adult counterpart Tall Link's moves and abilities, but he's shorter. This makes it more likely that enemy attacks won't hit him, a crucial element of high-level Smash Bros play. When you're playing as Toon Link, it's very important to keep your eyes on the prize.
Official Description: Doctor Wily better look out, as this Blue Bomber "sails in" from the classic "Mega Man" series of games. He might look like a kid, but this is one robot who's all man! But be wary - opposing "enemy" fighters will try to "defeat" Mega Man by knocking him off the stage, resulting in a scoring action.
Neutral B: Mega Buster - Mega Man's arm cannon packs a powerful punch! Hold down B to "charge" this attack, increasing its strength.
B + side: Projectile Mega Buster - Mega Man shoots a small projectile out of his mega buster, allowing for the attacking of enemies who are some distance away.
Up Smash: The Fire One - Mega Man uses the fire one he gets in Mega Man IV or V or something
Character Summary: Mega Man is different from most of the characters featured in Super Smash Bros, as he cannot be moved or damaged by any means. This makes him a great choice for beginners, while at the same time leaving open a great amount of strategic depth for advanced players.
Official Description: Pikachu, I choose you! That's right, everyone's favorite yellow electric mouse "sails in" straight from the Kanto region! He might look cute, but this is one Pocket Monster you don't want to mess with, as opposed to the other Pocket Monsters, who you do want to mess with, I guess.
Neutral B: Electricity Attack - Pikachu's trademark electricity attack is a real "zap"!
B + Side: Electricity Attack 2 - It's a real "zap"!
B + Up: Electric Jump - This "shocker" is really "electrifying"!
Character Summary: Pikachu has been a tourney favorite for years, and it's easy to see why - a glitch prevalent since the N64 days allows the player controlling Pikachu to automatically win any match simply by holding START and SELECT at the same time. Although a point of much contention, this has not been banned in most prominent tournaments in the US.
Wii Fit Trainer
Official Description: Change into your sweats and do your stretches, because it's time to work out! The Wii Fit Trainer "sails in" from Wii Fit, a semi-obscure ennui-based game from the mid '00s.
B + Up: Hula Hoop Attack - The Wii Fit Trainer spins some hula hoops around, like none of this even fucking matters.
B + Side: One of the Yoga Positions - She does one of the yoga moves from the game
Up Smash: Up, Up and Away! - Ascend above the stage's play area, killing the Wii Fit Trainer instantly.
Character Summary: The Wii Fit Trainer is really good to fight with, because it's like, whaaa? What the heck? The trainer from Wii Fit in Smash Bros? Your opponents will be so confused they'll forget they're playing Smash Bros, allowing you to KO them easily. But remember not to fall victim to this powerful tactic yourself! Early Wii Fit Trainer v Wii Fit Trainer matches have lasted for hours, with players just looking up confusedly from their screens, making eye contact, and looking away in embarrassment.
Official Description: Ya-hoo! It's-a me, Mario! This iconic plumber isn't saving a princess today... he's just here for the smash! He's got a Fire Flower and a Mega Mushroom, and he's not messing around! Mario "sails in" to the Smash Bros character roster once again.
B + Up: P-wing - Mario uses his P-wing power up to take to the skies in flight, but be careful; this only lasts a short time!
Side Smash: Punch - Mario's punch attack from Mario 64. Press the attack button again after this to enter a combo.
Down Smash: Warp Pipe - Mario summons a warp pipe and goes into it. If anyone else attacks the warp pipe Mario clutches his head and mumbles "no no no no no" again and again
Character Summary: Although in many ways Mario is the face of the Smash Bros franchise [after all, he IS one of the titular Bros], he doesn't see a lot of use in high-ranking competitive play. What this means is, there aren't a lot of strategies developed to combat him. Simple tactics such as using a shield, moving to the left or right, and jumping will all confound seasoned Smash veterans.
Official Description: Captain Olimar of Hocotate Freight Company reporting in, sir! That's right, everyone's favorite accidental interstellar explorer "sails in" from the classic Pikmin series of games where you throw bugs at trees.
Neutral B: Pikmin Attack - All pikmin fans know this attack. Olimar does the classic Pikmin Attack from the game.
B + Side: Pikmin Slash - If you've played pikmin 2, you know this.
B + Down: Stamp of Pikmin - Ha! Classic. Good stuff.
Character Summary: Olimar has been VASTLY buffed since his last appearance, in Super Smash Bros: Brawl. Back then he was one of the weakest characters in the game, with only two attacks - looking around with a dumbass expression saying "Duhhhhhhhh" and tripping on a rock & smashing his head on the ground. For this reason, Olimar is a great pick if you're playing against someone who's experienced with SSB:B, or someone who's never played any Smash Bros game before, or even someone who's never played a video game before.
Test Char A
Official Description: NOT FOR P¡¡¡¡¡¡nternal Nintend¡¡¡¡¡¡¡please dele¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ememb¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡har A to test th¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡!?¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ails in"¡¡¡¡¡¡¡
Neutral B: Hitbox Test - Two small grey boxes extrude from Test Char A's left and right, causing any enemies they come into contact with to taunt [without sound].
Side Smash: TestCy-1 - Test Char A cycles through the idle animation of all available characters. After each full cycle, the speed increases. TestCy-1 can not be stopped by opponent or player, and will continue until the game console is powered off.
Left: Move Left - Test Char A walks to the left.
Character Summary: A surprise inclusion to the Smash Bros canon, it's Test Char A! Although not a prominent Nintendo mascot, many fans believe Test Char A is a reference to an obscure easter egg in 2001 Game Boy Advance RPG, Golden Sun. Test Char A's main strength is his inability to take damage or be KO'd - this can be deadly in the hands of an experienced player, but can just as easily be a newbie's downfall. Don't try playing with Test Char A as soon as you pick this game up.
GENERAL TIPS [NON CHARACTER SPECIFIC]
Trying to change history is a terrible mistake. Tearing down all of America's Hitler statues has left us confused about our nation's proud past.
Ask any cowboy and they'll tell you: The deadliest snake in the wild west is Lava-Filled Hole Shaped Exactly Like A Cowboy Silhouette
Ben Garrison's Cartoons are finally explained!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.