It's Monday, so you know what that means! Oh yes, another exciting issue of Tabloid Monday, the feature which takes a deep and hard look at the world around us... according to the Weekly World News! Something Awful examines the latest articles from this highly esteemed newspaper (or whatever the hell it is) and offers up our takes on the news. Here's what's in store for today:
Chicken and Beef - Mother Nature's Perfect Meats Can Keep You Healthy - AND CURE EVERYTHING!
You can fight - and in many cases cure - everything from high blood pressure and heart disease to arthritis, depression, fatigue, weight problems and the common cold by dosing yourself heavily and often with scrumptious chicken and beef, a leading doctor reports.GET FILTHY RICH BY SUING YOUR OWN BRAINS OUT!
"Insurance companies play the percentages, betting that you don't get hurt, and you can play the same percentages, betting that you do get hurt," declared Faukon, a former vice president of one of America's leading insurers and author of the forthcoming book, Sue Yourself for Fun and Profit, Profit, Profit! which is slated for a Christmas release.HOW YOU CAN BEAT THE DEVIL
"Some people consider the Devil a joke - a laughable cartoon character - because in the Middle Ages the Devil was portrayed as a buffoon with pointed horns, a long evil tail and a pitchfork. However, in reality, the Devil is a resourceful, highly intelligent, powerful spirit."HOW TO TELL IF YOUR ANCESTORS WERE GAY!
"Recognizing the homosexuality in your past is the only way you can find your true roots," says Paul.THE MONSTERS UNDER YOUR BED ARE REAL!
"Satanic monsters from the sewers of Hell itself are flooding the world, and they aren't coming here to visit Disney World and ride the rides - they're coming to get you!" Dr. Raymond Joneston declared in his weekly short-wave broadcast, Give Me the Children, which is heard by an estimated 22 million men, women, and children in 17 countries around the world.POOP SMOKING FAD SWEEPS EUROPE
Thrill-seeking European teenagers have found a revolting new way to get high - they smoke dried poop like it's going out of style!
More fun than you can shake any type of stick or stick-like object at! Please, for the love of God, read Tabloid Monday!
Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse has been updated with another two crappy Quake 3 Arena map reviews courtesy of everybody's hero Squonkamatic. The two bsp monstrosities under fire today are "DM5 - 2099" and "Nutz", both of which just sound like quality masterpieces.
THE BOTTOM LINE: There are certainly former lobotomy patients reading this that will find Ironuts' little level to be an engaging, imaginative exercise in map design. However, the rest of us have yet another sorry example of everything going wrong and another Quake level to avoid. Play at your own risk.
Er, you know, or maybe not. Regardless, check out the two new reviews and remember to submit the names and links of any terrible Quake 2 / Quake 3 maps to Squonkamatic!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.