appearance: 8 - swollen and green
attitude: angry
date visited: Jul 2009
performance: 1 - inaccurate and/or dangerous
atmosphere: 7 - very good atmosphere

Wanted to meet alongside a dusty road heading to nowhere. Insisted on a very non-confrontational atmosphere so I paid for a full honeymoon suite at the hotel. Ate everything in the mini-bar and warned me not to get up in his face about it or he might do something I wouldn't like. He ordered a bunch of pay-per-view movies and that was the last straw. I yelled at him and that's when things started to get crazy.

Hulked after eating his way through the mini-bar. Proceeded to treat hotel suite like villain for several minutes, throwing bed through wall, wall through window, and room door through the roof. Was barely communicative and did not listen to requests. I asked for FBSM and instead had the bathtub smashed over my head. Requested MPOS WOC and was thrown out the gaping hole in the roof seriously injuring myself. After more than twenty minutes I was found by hotel staff.The only good thing I can say about this heroscort is that he raged for so long that I was allowed to witness a major battle with the national guard. Not worth the pain and suffering.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.