This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
** Welcome to the new Cycnus Station Update Service, Resident #013!
This kiosk is designed to keep you updated on all relevant station activity within your clearance level. Your security clearance is LEVEL 3. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind you that sharing sensitive information with subordinates will result in criminal prosecution.
Please take advantage of the Cycnus Station Update Service, accessible from kiosks located in the entrances to each sector, for all the latest news!
Please read each update in full.
*** Previous Cycnus Station Updates can be found in the DynaMars Kiosk Archives.
*** 08-16-2305 - New Entry
Good news, Cycnus Station residents!
At 0800 hours today, the U.S.S. Buford docked in Sector A Shipyards carrying vital supplies and replacement personnel. DynaMars Corporation wishes to introduce you to Commanding Officer Grant! Commanding Officer Grant has extensive experience working in the Marketing Department of our corporate headquarters in beautiful Sioux Falls, South Dakota. He comes highly recommended by his peers, all extremely eager to see him start a new life on Mars.
Many of you are no doubt wondering when LOGMAN will be brought back online. We are sad to report that the Logistics-Oriented Global Martian Administrative Network will remain permanently offline. DynaMars Corporation assures you that this choice was not motivated by the recent over-sensationalized incident at Europa Dig Site #82. Although the AI running that station did kill over 587 workers, it was an isolated incident. Thus, Commanding Officer Grant is here to stay!
*** 08-17-2305 - New Entry
The DynaMars Corporation is sad to report that Commanding Officer Grant has passed away due to complications resulting from an impacted bowel. As it is now evident from U.S.S. Buford restroom logs, Commanding Officer Grant failed to defecate during the 36-day voyage to Mars. In keeping with his religious beliefs, he will not be baconized. Those wishing to pay their respects to Commanding Officer Grant can make a donation to his favorite cause: DynaMars Corporation's Dark Projects Department.
By way of impartial lottery, Sector A Cargo Bay's Chief Forklift Operator Miller has been promoted. Please congratulate Commanding Officer Miller on his new job!
Bedbugs be gone! DynaMars Corporation is pleased to report that fumigation will begin on 08-20-2305 at 0500 hours. During this time you will be required to vacate the station. Cycnus Station Auxiliary Shed #06 should provide adequate shelter for all personnel with only a slight sacrifice in comfort, personal space, and restroom facilities. It even has a kiosk!
Chief Medical Officer Brugmann will be issuing sedatives to prevent any outbreaks of cabin fever, so the entire stay should be brief, pleasant, and uneventful.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.