A substance exists in our universe that is unseen and undetectable. It lurks, invisible, in the space that lies between space. Across the infinite void and between the vast reaches of distant galaxies this strange matter exerts its subtle influence. It pulls planets, stars and even galaxies out of alignment. It is the stuff so dark it cannot be seen and by its fruits shall we know it. It is Wink Martindale, and it's available in three styles.
Wink Martindale is ripping tags off mattresses in stores and damn the consequences. Wink Martindale is playing with hospital beds in the children's oncology ward. He's paging the third-shift nurse and demanding more Pokemon stickers. Wink Martindale's name comes printed on everyone's friends and family visitor list. Wink Martindale is letting you die in agony so he can give your morphine to his pet turtle. Wink Martindale just intentionally failed a Voight-Kampff test and shot a Blade Runner. Wink Martindale is wanted in all 52 states and all off-word colonies.
Wink Martindale owes 75 dollars to the Community Chest. Wink Martindale is evading a luxury tax. Wink Martindale just opened nine hotels on Boardwalk, and guess where you're about to land? Wink Martindale navigates escalators with a sextant. Wink Martindale is writing ad copy for w00t.com. Wink Martindale is filling a brown bag with DVDs of Corky Romano. Wink Martindale hopes you love bargains.
Wink Martindale is using a supercollider to measure the quarks in a Fleshlight. There is an infinitesimal but non-zero chance that Wink Martindale will simply blink out of existence. Wink Martindale is creating a tangent universe and he's doing it so he can drive over a girl with his car. Wink Martindale just caught an interception at the Super Bowl. Wink Martindale is making the playoffs. Wink Martindale is setting the odds in Vegas. Wink Martindale has just been indicted on nineteen counts of racketeering and he's pleading no contest.
There is a house in New Orleans they call the Wink Martindale Museum of Unusual Bowel Impactions. It's been the ruin of many a poor bowel impaction sufferer and, Wink Martindale, I know I'm one. Wink Martindale's mother was a tailor, she sewed those matching satin jumpsuits for those fat twins. Wink Martindale has one foot on the platform and the other foot on a suborbital scramjet bound for Tokyo. Wink Martindale is playing an organ solo. Oh mother, tell your children, not to do what Wink Martindale has done. Spend your life in sincere misery because his museum was in the 9th Ward and still has significant structural damage and possibly dangerous levels of mold from floodwaters.
Wink Martindale is vomiting into the mouths of baby birds. Wink Martindale is crushing butterflies because he hates beauty. Wink Martindale is crying at the sight of the setting sun. Wink Martindale just burned out his retinas staring at an eclipse. Wink Martindale is offering free LASIK to the retarded. Wink Martindale just tricked an old man into buying 900 dollars worth of vitamins. Wink Martindale is filing his teeth into points. Wink Martindale is envenoming a dagger.
Wink Martindale just rolled a natural 20. Wink Martindale is resisting rods, staves and wands. Wink Martindale is DMing an old 1st edition module where the players can get lasers. Wink Martindale is role playing out sex between two vampires at a LARP session. Wink Martindale just used Domination to get you to bring him another Mountain Dew. Wink Martindale violated the Masquerade and is being hunted by the Prince of Moon Base 19. Wink Martindale is masturbating to anime.
There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…it is impossible to fool Wink Martindale even once.
Wink Martindale is telling his wife that he's going out to the garage to work on that old Chevy he's been fixing up, but he's really going to be cooking meth. Wink Martindale has 18 condoms full of cocaine in his lower intestine and they got there the hard way: anal sex with a man made out of cocaine. Wink Martindale is asking someone else to carry his package onto a plane. Wink Martindale is leaving his luggage unattended. Wink Martindale is being placed on the Department of Homeland Security's watch list. Wink Martindale is setting off a radiological detector because he loves the taste of radium. Wink Martindale is depleting uranium with a straw. Wink Martindale just turned on his breeder reactor.
Wink Martindale is an ugly girl who transforms into a beauty queen when you take off his glasses. Wink Martindale would like the court reporter to read that last statement back to the jury. Wink Martindale is perjuring himself to cover for an accomplice. Wink Martindale doesn't have to answer that. Wink Martindale is sustained.
Wink Martindale is pretending to be totally into the Dali Lama at a Beastie Boys' concert to get into a girl's pants. Wink M. got the beat and Mike D. got the hook. Wink Martindale gonna rock out on this track. Wink Martindale is getting a hand job at Burning Man from a fat woman named Mystery. Wink Martindale is too high to care. Wink Martindale is watching the Dark Crystal on acid in his friend's basement. Wink Martindale just dropped a cherry on his lap and yelled like a girl. Wink Martindale swears that faux-wood panel just smiled at him. Wink Martindale is right.
Wink Martindale is Africanizing his bees. Wink Martindale just got stung tending the apiary. Wink Martindale is burning it all down. Wink Martindale is dropping his surname because he thinks it is getting between him and his fans. Wink Martindale is announcing his resignation at a press conference in the south gym. Wink Martindale is denying all charges, unless you want to charge him with being the world's greatest grandpa. Wink Martindale's Folding at Home group just hit number two. Wink Martindale is not respecting a NPOV in his own Wikipedia entry.
Wink Martindale is leaving a comment in a dead girl's Livejournal. Wink Martindale wishes you hant dun it b00b0084 and u will b missed ;_____; Wink Martindale is reformatting his hard disk. Wink Martindale is placing a trojan in a JPEG. Wink Martindale is sending spike. Wink Martindale is leaving b4 he is expunged.
Wink Martindale is adopting Angelina Jolie's children. Wink Martindale is smoking a cigarette after coitus and laughing about Billy Bob Thornton's tattoo. Wink Martindale is buying a statue of Jesus at a gas station in Missouri. Wink Martindale is accepting the Eucharist to gain the warrior skills of the son of God. He is breaking bread with his betrayer. He is dying for your sins.
Wink Martindale is opening hailing frequencies. Wink Martindale wants you to lock phasers on that vessel. Wink Martindale is installing an erotic emotion chip in Lore. Wink Martindale is battling Moriarty on the Holodeck. Wink Martindale and Jalad at Tanagra. Wink Martindale is counting bars of gold-pressed Latinum. Wink Martindale is changing shape to get under a door and watch Hawk make out with that speckle-headed woman. Wink Martindale is crying because Spenser is no longer for hire except as a ghost. Wink Martindale is a carcinogen.
In the Bardo Thodol the Tibetans envision three states or "bardos" one must pass through as death occurs. The chikhai bardo is the moment at which the person expires. The chonyid bardo is a vision of the divine Buddha. The sidpa bardo is the bardo of rebirth. It is the state in which a dying person experiences visions of their past and future as a new being. Wink Martindale exists as a being of such pure stubbornness that, though he dies, he returns again as himself, fully grown. Each life is lived out in a realm of pure pleasure. Wink Martindale is the sole inhabitant of this realm. As Wink Martindale dies and enters the sipda bardo he dreams our reality.
We are nothing but fading hallucinations, owned and manipulated to our very fabric by the dying mind of Wink Martindale. Every moment we have experienced is a figment of his death dream. Every grain of sand, every sunset, every piece of art and every artifact of our science, every fleeting kiss, every child, every funeral, every fire, every famine, hate, war, death, love, sickness, salvation, religion, murder, cataclysm, genocide, tragedy and triumph that is now, has been and ever will be is just a frozen moment in Wink Martindale's misfiring neurons. Wink Martindale is in the park eating a frozen banana and you're welcome to join him on the bench.
Can you tell which is which?
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.