This article is part of the The Legend of Tooth Tooth series.
Yo, you run into that boy Tooth Tooth lately?
Nah, cousin, been ages.
It's sad to behold, god. I never thought I see that boy Tooth Tooth look so alone.
Nah, man. Nah.
I know you thinking "Tooth Tooth, he invincible, ain't nothing get that boy down," but shit, you picture the one thing that could possibly get that boy down, what would that be?
Oh shit, god. Say that ain't true. Not the eagle.
Word is bond. They got his eagle, son. I know that shit almost too crazy to believe, but if you ain't heard this yet, this story must be told. This is the story of how Tooth Tooth, righteous teacher and original black man, lost the eagle that was so divine to his heart. This proves that even that which we hold most dear to ourselves is vulnerable, god, and even in our own element we are not safe.
Now let me begin here by saying what you already know: the devil is outraged by the sight of a righteous black man. The devil is outraged by the sight of a righteous black man in a fine suit, having taken the posture of the wicked businessman and perverted it with righteousness, and the devil is shocked to see a righteous black man stacking paper and rolling in a Rolls Royce Phantom. You feel me so far?
True enough, son.
Now imagine the wrath of the devil, he who eat the flesh of swine, when he witness the original black man with proud eagle upon his shoulder. You seen Tooth Tooth eagle, son. You see how the keen eye of that bird look at a man and detect the wickedness of Yacub within him, and you see how that eagle can detect the smell of swine from a mile off, even with that tiny beak nostril he got. If you know Tooth Tooth at all, you know how his personality be like, and you seen how that eagle take the most righteous truth from inside Tooth Tooth and display that shit in bird form. When you put this together, you form a clear picture of how this conflict play out: a white man is discomfited to see Tooth Tooth with an eagle, and the eagle got no love for those who ain't like to see a black man carry a righteous eagle.
This is all the background part of the tale and the truth is you already know most of this shit by instinct, because any original man can see Tooth Tooth for one second and know this shit, god. The devil don't recognize it, but you see Tooth Tooth and you ain't see the hepatitis and the cockeye, you ain't see the limp, you ain't even see that the eagle sometime get messy on that boy's shoulder on account of all the squirrels and fish he eat. You see a man who came up hard in life, who took for himself the finer things that he deserve despite the adversity thrust upon him by the wicked world, and you see a man who claimed a great spirit of the wilderness, the harpy eagle, and turned it into an instrument of peace and protection for all the good in the world.
So like, here is the tale as related to me by our boy Tooth Tooth, one of the greatest men who ever walked the earth. Now you know our boy love to travel, and just a month prior to these events he was all on this idea about going to Ohio. You know I ain't about to disagree with Tooth, but obviously the question come up, I'm like, "damn, kid, what the fuck you need Ohio for when you own this city? You got the penthouse, you got the Phantom, you throw any kid on the block the keys to that shit and he'll park it without a scratch for a quarter, you got fine Chinese bitches leaving pussy trails on your sleeve when you try to hail a cab-I mean, shit."
Of course Tooth had the philosophy all worked out, because he would not be Tooth if he ain't know exactly what he doing at all times. He says to me, "Son, when you own everything, that shit is maybe worse than owning nothing. When you own nothing, you got somewhere to go, but when you own it all, you look around and see all the shit you own, you look down past them gold ropes on your neck and see a mischievous fine Chinese bitch trying to undo your Gucci pants, and you start to think 'what is left for me to acquire in this city,' and it's a feeling that might breed wickedness in a righteous man."
And if you're wondering about the weird thing with Chinese bitches, this isn't a racist thing or whatnot, but let me just give you my assurances that the man is BESET by Oriental ladies-Tooth theorize that maybe they think he got curative properties, which perhaps be some kind of misapprehension of the majesty of his dick. No homo.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.