This article is part of the The Legend of Tooth Tooth series.
Of course I understand the philosophy Tooth Tooth be selling here, but I'm like "why now, after all these years of owning everything, do you decide to grace a foreign place like Ohio with your presence?" And Tooth Tooth just get this sad look on his face, and he like "Don't tell anyone this, god, but I feel as if my credibility may be jeopardized in my own streets," and of course I be taken aback by this proposition.
"No, no," he assure me, "That shit the truth. The other day my phone start blowing up and I answer it, and I got Mayor Bloomberg on the line asking me what tie to wear to some whack-ass Russell Simmons summit on how the black man ain't supposed to be allowed to say a bullshit word invented by the white man to subjugate us. That bitch asking me if he out of line wearing a tie with a portrait of Dr. King painted on it, and that about as far as that mark-ass mayor got. I be like 'Yo, you like Fox News,' and the mayor like 'huh?' And I go 'You like Fox News, motherfucker- nobody ever see you in the hood.' And that's when I fed the phone to my eagle. Word is bond. Eagle damn near choked on the buster's words."
So now I see how he need a break from his city-got the mayor calling him on his private number asking him some bullshit about a mess he ain't involved with. How the mayor even get that number? Picture his mark ass calling the phone company and he gotta beg for it, cause you know them operators sympathetic to Tooth Tooth privacy.
So the next day, Tooth catch the next plane to Ohio, he fly into Cleveland and hit the car rental desk, peels off some uncirculated bank notes from the 1930s and says "Yo, lady, give me the best car you got, not for rent, I'm keeping that shit," and she like "I gotta ask my manager on this one," and Tooth just slaps down one of them uncirculated ten thousand dollar bills and he like "Yo, meet your new manager, my boy Salmon P. Chase." And the teller ain't never seen a ten grand before, and she be like "who the fuck Salmon P. Chase," and Tooth just gotta laugh at that, idiot white woman ain't know who Salmon P. Chase be.
His eagle laughing too, on the inside, because that eagle eaten more ten thousand dollar bills than the car rental lady probably ever ate hot meals in her life.
So Tooth like, "I'ma let my eagle explain this one," and the eagle just lay into the car rental lady with them pure black eyes, and he got her transfixed on that shit, and the eagle gently use his righteous mind to convey the wisdom that Salmon P. Chase was the Secretary of the Treasury under our man Abraham Lincoln, and he worked tirelessly to destroy the injustice of slavery and now he enjoy special prominence both in the heart of the black man and in the wallet of the extremely rich motherfucker, and his reward for his good deeds be the idea that only the richest motherfuckers in the world will ever get to look upon his face.
And Tooth goes "Bet you never got a history lesson from a eagle mind before," and the idiot rental lady just stare dumb, saying "the fuck you talking about?"
And only then did Tooth remember that the eagle can only transmit knowledge upon the righteous, and from the look of odium upon the countenance of his eagle he knew that she ate the flesh of swine and was wicked.
But Tooth don't get wound up about the wickedness of one woman-he know she'll get what's coming to her one day, with or without the help of him or his fine righteous harpy eagle. He just tell her, "Look, lady, this a knot of ten thousand dollar banknotes from the United States government, and I just want to buy a car with this shit and get out of here, because I don't want the hassle of no bullshit rental contract because my personal code of ethics prohibits me from entering legal contracts with those who have tasted swine. This is enough money for any buster-ass car you got on this lot, so just give me one, don't have to even be good, just keep the change. This car a throwaway. I just need wheels so I can drive deep into Ohio and find the life of a poor righteous man."
Now the logic of this was too grand for the dumb rental lady to follow, and she looking at them ten thousands like maybe they ain't real money, and she looking at Tooth Tooth and her hand inching toward that security telephone. Tooth Tooth know, he seen that dumbstruck "black man trying to speak truth to me" look in the eyes of a hundred dumb ladies. And he like "Nah, you don't need to do this, I can take my business elsewhere."
But before he can get two steps, he already hearing the tremulous shriek of the terrified security guard behind him, "Freeze! You with the eagle," and Tooth know the situation about to get bad.
You know Tooth never shy down from no conflict, but that eagle sometime take it to another level, because whereas Tooth might want to resolve a situation with no eyeball getting pecked out for the sake of peacefulness, the, like, censoring mechanism on the eagle don't work like that. The eagle see something wicked occur and he straight make a beeline for the nearest corrupted eyeball, and he gonna have that shit in he beak and he like "What now."
And in one swift motion like a sword through the petal of a cherry blossom, his eagle fly to the buster-ass rent-a-cop security guard, only take one wingbeat to get over there, he gingerly take the eye of the man and fly back to Tooth's shoulder before the guard know what happened. Guard just like, "what the fuck, why am I not able to perceive the relative distance of objects," then he like "oh shit."
Eagle just be like "What now." Not a question, like "What now?" but straight up statement of fact, he ain't falter. "What now."
Tooth try to defuse this shit, saying "Listen up Jack, this eagle got a taste of the eyeball of the wicked man, and any further aggression will leave you sightless." The security guard in a panic now, can't think straight when confronted with this kind of truth, so he whip out the electric stun-gun with that shaky hand and point it right at Tooth. Of course, the eagle ain't about to let Tooth be inconvenience by such a trifle, so it beat its wings again to advance toward the rent-a-cop.
Rent-a-cop fire the stun gun right into the eagle, and a terrible thing go down.
You remember how the eagle ate that cell phone, right? In fact, at that moment, Mayor Bloomberg probably still be inside that eagle asking about ties and shit. But that electricity from the stun gun hit the eagle, and it ignite the lithium inside the cell phone battery, and that eagle just blow up. Lithium burn red, you know, so that eagle combust into a righteous ball of bright red fire and knock that bitch-ass security guard on his ass.
And then the eagle gone. Nothing left, not even a feather float to earth. Tooth Tooth just lost his best friend, the spirit that guide him through untold wickedness and protect him from all the evil of the world. He flashed back to the first time he met that eagle, over there at the zoo when he tried to buy that shit for his niece, and the locked eyes with that eagle and game recognized game. And dismayed as he was by the death of his prized creature, he knew that it would be back in another form one day, and he did not weep for his exploded friend.
Shit, don't you cry, I'm just telling you the shit is gonna be aight cause the eagle coming back someday.
I'm sorry man, I'm just-
Word, I can't front on this. I cried when I heard too, god.
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.