America's economy is on the brink of a disaster that will make the last eighteen disasters it was on the brink of in the last year look silly in comparison. How did this crisis come about? I'm no economist, but I did tune in to conservative radio and it seems that we loaned all of our money to poor people that spent it on welfare and gay marriages instead of paying it back.

The three branches of government (Presidential, IRS, Oak) have been scrambling to put together a bailout bill to fix this problem by giving nine hundred billion dollars to pretty much anyone who will take it, so long as they provide documentation to prove that they reside on either Wall Street or Main Street. Although many believe the bailout plan in its current form is crazy, it's destined to pass because one senator remarked "It's so crazy... it might just work" and no one could refute his logic.

Now that the bailout bill is on the fast track to being put into action, all sorts of provisions that have nothing to do with the economic crisis have been snuck in. Such additions are traditionally dubbed "pork barrel" spending because barrels of pork are famous for having unexpected prizes within their wooden wombs, like Babe Ruth rookie cards or handguns or the mummified head of the elephant man.

Most of the time, pork barrel spending slips under the radar and the responsible politician does a celebratory fist-pump or laughs while giving the finger to a map of the United States (alternative: renting a parasail and giving the finger to the actual United States after reaching maximum altitude). Not today. It's time to point out the most ridiculous provisions that have been added to the bailout plan and publically shame those who are responsible.

  

Ten thousand copies of a book about not wasting taxpayer money, all for me

Harry Reid
(D) Nevada

  

A lifetime supply of Turtle Wax because I am always running out of the stuff at the most inopportune of times

John Sununu
(R) New Hampshire

  

A Blu-Ray version of the original Star Wars trilogy, none of that Greedo shooting first shit or a digital Jabba the Hutt

John McCain
(R) Arizona

  

The ability to fly simply by concentrating real hard and yelling at my wife

Bill Nelson
(D) Florida

  

Someone to tell me who this "Lex" guy is that everyone keeps asking me about

Richard Lugar
(R) Indiana

  

One of every video game console and a BB gun and a can of Red Bull the size of a refrigerator

Barbara Boxer
(D) California

  

A national program that teaches youngsters the value of questioning authority, complete with a hotline where they can nominate fellow children who excel at it for a "special award"

Barack Obama
(D) Illinois

  

A business suit made entirely of coffee beans, a hot tub in my office, and one of those "Do Not Disturb" doorknob signs

Kit Bond
(R) Missouri

  

A redo on the vote to authorize that war that began in 2003, the secret one against our economy

Sheldon Whitehouse
(D) Rhode Island


 

A high school reunion with everyone that thought I was a nerd, and one of those combs that looks like a switchblade to wow them all

Russ Feingold
(D) Wisconsin

  

Just one week to pass without a single political article on the Something Awful front page

Arlen Specter
(R) Pennsylvania
  

A law that makes it mandatory for all federal buildings to display a poster featuring either Scarface or John Belushi wearing that "COLLEGE" shirt

Patrick Leahy
(D) Vermont

  

A dog that is obedient enough to stay buried

John Warner
(R) Virginia

 

The last few volumes of the Time-Life Attorney Commercial book set, and maybe a bigger flag behind my right shoulder to set me apart from the other senators

Wayne Allard
(R) Colorado

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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