A Something Awful Update. More fun than breaking in a new toilet.Valentine's Day is fast approaching and many of our readers are asking themselves, "How can I trick a woman into having sex with me this year?" and "Why do I cry after I masturbate?". Many guys attempt to woo a woman by sending out Valentine's Day gifts to as many of them as they can much like colleges who send out brochures to anyone who has ever taken a SAT test. It's depressing when you get your horrible SAT scores and a brochure for UCLA in the mail at the same time. It's like they just wanted to rub it in. Sigh...
The trick to courting a female is choosing that special gift. It's not always easy. Flowers are cliché. Chocolates are boring. Cards are for homos. After years of lame Valentine gifts women have finally caught on to our stupid advances and all we are left with come Valentine's Day is a hand and a bottle of baby oil.
Friends, this year you can put down that dick because I've got a deal for you that is sure to make you score. For the first time ever we are selling Something Awful updates that are guaranteed to get you laid this February 14th. No other web site can offer you that kind of promise.
Sure, a Shacknews article might get you to second base. CNN.com might even allow you to insert a finger or two. Penny Arcade will make your girlfriend turn gay, leave you and fuck your ex-girlfriend. But only Something Awful has the get-your-sorry-ass-laid GUARANTEE. If our updates don't make your girl drop her panties and jump on your dick within the next two weeks I will come over and suck you off myself.
Something Awful updates aren't just for your Valentine. They are great for almost any occasion. Looking for a perfect gift for that special ill grandparent in your life who you never visit because you are just too busy playing World of WarCraft? Try a Something Awful front page update! We pack a lot of love into each and every article. Our updates are hand-made and prepared in our custom-built Internet ovens. Imagine your grandmother's face when you give her her very own SA update. It's enough to give someone a heart attack!
So you must be thinking to yourself, "How much is this going to cost me?" Normally an authentic 100% carb free update retails for a MSRP of $24.95. But, hold onto your hats folks, for the entire month of February we are giving away updates absolutely free after mail-in rebate! What a deal! You get an article on the Internet and sex from, hopefully a girl, all free free FREE!
Sure, you don't usually read the front page and go straight for the forums because who knew that there was a front page except for that one time you read an update and liked it and informed everyone that despite the fact you never read the front page because you hate it that one update was kind of good, but this time it's free after a pain in the ass rebate.
Don't just think you'll be buying Internet articles from some Joe Nobody. Something Awful has a rich history that began almost four decades ago.
The story of Something Awful began in 1969 when a young Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka traveled door to door offering to tell people jokes about Arpanet right there on their doorstep. The first few years were rough as many people slammed their door on Kyanka's face. As debt piled on Kyanka considered quitting and jumping in front of a wheat thresher. But then he got an idea. Lowtax explains it all in this quote from his tell-all book Dead and Loving It: The R. Kyanka Story.
I was on the verge of bankruptcy and shareholders were threatening to break my legs when I got an idea. Why not stab and rob the people who didn't buy? Profits went through the roof! And it was okay because we only stabbed women and never men and children.
And to this day Something Awful carries on that very tradition. There is a big difference between us and those other web sites. We call it...
The Awful Difference
It's a set of three ideals and philosophies that keep our loyal readers coming back for more each and every day.
Humor - At Something Awful our philosophy on jokes is quantity, not quality! Babe Ruth may have hit 714 career home runs but he also struck out 1,330 times, placing in the top ten for strikeouts each season he played. You can't hit home runs without swinging the bat and every single day we come out whiffing just to hit that one long ball.
We here at Something Awful promise at least one good joke per update or your money back. Not valid on Thursdays or days when we are feeling gassy.
New Talent - Something Awful has had an influx of new writers lately, myself being one of them. You may be asking yourself, "Who is Joseph 'Maxnmona' Fink?" or, "Who the hell is Hassan 'Nail Polish Remover' Mikal and why does he think he has what it takes to write on the Internet?"
"Frolixo?! Never heard of him!"
Well, goddamnitt, these are graduates of Something Awful University of Southwest New Mexico. These writers have gone through a rigorous program that consists of getting Lowtax his morning slippers and daily dose of Cialis because Lowtax likes to walk around with a huge honking boner all day.
Then, after months of preparation, they are ready to sign a check made out to cash and begin their illustrious career writing for Something Awful until they realize what they are doing with their lives. In this way Something Awful ensures a tight-knit family of writers whose only goal is to serve you, the poor bastard who haphazardly found this place while looking for anime porn.
Old favorites - While Something Awful is always developing new talent to squeeze into their bi-weekly 32 writer lineup, you can still find all your old favorites alive and well (contrary to police reports) right here each and every day. There's Ben "Greasnin" Platt! Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen! Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez! Emily "Integral" Reigal! Scott "Kung Fucious" Delbango! Seth "Terrorsaurus" Knisley! Tom "moof" Davies! Jeff K! And Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka!
No matter how much life gets you down you can always find your old favorites at Something Awful.com!
That's not all! Those who call within the next 5 minutes get an authentic Something Awful update, three extra knock-off updates, two large bottles of Urine Gone, and the chance to get laid this Valentine's Day. We even gift wrap at no extra charge! All this can be yours absolutely free after mail-in rebate. What are you waiting for?! Buy now! Supplies are limited! We literally did not make enough of this shit for even six people! PICK UP YOUR PHONE AND CALL! MASH THAT FAT FUCKING PALM OF YOURS ON THE KEYPAD OR GOD HELP ME I WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS! NGGGHHHH!!!!
In order to claim your rebate please adhere to these simple to follow steps.
Step 1: Please fill out the following form in blue and black ink. Also we would like to see some pink in there somewhere but not too much.
Step 2: Place the rebate form in a stamped envelope. The stamp must be placed exactly 4 millimeters from the edges of the top right hand corner of the envelope. For every millimeter that it is offset we will subtract 1 Canadian dollar from your rebate check. Address the envelope toSomething Awful Rebate Fulfillment ShackI MUST SACRIFICE THIS CAT TO MY GOD FOR INCREDIBLE SAVINGS.Step 3: Place the envelope in the hands of a mailman of Norwegian descent. Instruct him to not look at the envelope for if he does the rebate will become void.
A Big Green Bin
Somewhere in Clovis, New Mexico, Under a donut shop
MAIL CARRIER: Do not deliver without booze!
Step 4: Forget to include reciept. Start process all over again.
Step 5: You'll eventually come to a cabinet with five holes in it. There you must place coins in the correct order. Place the old man coin in the second slot. Place the prisoner coin in the third slot. Finally place the snake coin in the fifth slot.
If successful a UPC code will appear. Attach this to your rebate form.
Step 6: Rebate forms may not be processed if God is upset. To please him you must have a bastard child on the second day of the Vernal Equinox. The birth must occur in the blood of a sacrificed kitten. If your God does not accept kitten sacrifices please check with your local church or synagogue about the right kind of animal your deity prefers.
Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances the rebate expires before March 21st so, you know, deal.
Step 7: Wait by the mailbox. We'll be in the Caribbean doing lines of coke off the asscrack of a Brazilian whore. SUCKER!
Disclaimer: The amount of money you receive for your rebate is dependent on how well you follow these steps. Some customers may receive the full amount and others may actually end up owing us money. That's how it is in the high-risk game of mail-in rebates.
This summer, all bets are off.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.