"Billy Bo Bob Off The Top Rope… OH MY!"
Yesterday a truly historical, life-altering announcement was made. An event so profound in scope that it has caused the leaders of the world to reflect on what is truly important in life, what matters most. Years from now, we'll all remember where and how we heard the big news that changed our lives forever. The combined merger of these two powerful forces makes the AOL-Time Warner marriage seem sad by comparision. If you don't know what I'm talking about yet, obviously I'm referring to the grand news that the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) has purchased World Championship Wrestling (WCW).Lowtax - a die-hard WCW fan and Anti-WWF activist - didn't take the buyout news very well at all. Here, he displays his prized limited edition, autographed poster of Vince McMahon offering use of his ass to the winners of Royal Rumble. That night, everybody won!
Now to us nerds, this probably isn't that big of a deal. But to the dirty unwashed hicks of America, especially in the South, this is the biggest thing to happen since that time their Uncle found a crate full of slightly chipped Elvis collector plates in the garbage. And to add even more weight to this already grand spectacle, the WCW also has an interest in Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW). Thus, this purchase effectively unites the top three wrestling leagues under one unified flem-spewing owner. The WWF buying the WCW is like… Microsoft buying Linux, I guess, even though that's implausible. Hmmm… how else can I say this? It's like Star Wars joining forces with Star Trek to create some multi-universe where Captain Kirk meets Luke Skywalker and humps his brains out while the cast of Babylon 5 looks on. It's like Marvel Comics buying DC and Image comics and mixing and matching superheroes at random, teaming up Superman with Howard The Duck and Spawn. There, I put it in terms even the loneliest of you acne-ridden dorks can understand!
Now wrestling fans will finally be able to enjoy inter-league wrasslin' action, as their favorite WCW stars (who I think consist solely of social security collecting WWF retirees) will be able to interact, trash talk, and throw garbage cans at each other. Wowzers! I should also point out that WCW was formerly owned by Ted Turner's TBS, which is owned by… you guessed it, AOL-Time Warner, who seemingly has at least a 64% interest in every company that exists. I only mention this because I was a big fan of the TBS "Superstation" when I was growing up. Oh, the hours I spent soaking in episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies, The Brady Bunch, The Andy Griffith Show, The Jeffersons, Gilligan's Island, Saved by The Bell… no wonder I'm so screwed up, that kind of social programming can really mess with your head at an early age. Curse you, Superstation! You ruined me and whatnot.
Yes, WWF founder Vince McMahon has finally succeeded in his dream of bringing together the collective services of every professional sweaty man in tights that gets paid to homo-erotically grope other men. Now he'll be able to clothesline, body slam, and power hug them all to his hearts content. Congratulations, Vince, you are now the Hugh Hefner of gaydom!
Still, many ("many" meaning four loyal Las Vegas Outlaw fans) wonder how this will effect the WWF's football league, the XFL. The XFL isn't doing very well at all. As a matter of fact, a few weekends ago they somehow managed to post the lowest ratings for any network televised sporting event… ever. Can you believe that? The XFL got its ass kicked, ratings wise, by stuff like the 1974 English Lawn Bowling Semi-Finals and the WNBA. Unbelievable! Not even naked lesbian cheerleaders can save the Memphis Maniax. Sorry.
So how does the WWFWCW merger affect you? I'm glad I asked. In the coming months expect to see small groups of die-hard wrestling fans accost you in malls foaming at the mouth and blathering stuff like this:
"Ohmyohmygoddidyou DID YOU SEE that NATURE BOY RICK FLAIR VERSUS TRIPLE H MATCH ON RAW? ROCK PEOPLE'S ELBOW GO GO BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO! Also, would you like to join us in the men's restroom for a naked party? We're going to stick our heads each other's crotches and practice pile drivers!"
You've been warned.
Uglycat: Nature's Friend
When ugly rears its… uhh… ugly head, Uglycat already knows about it! Yes, Uglycat is an amazing animal that can actually sense ugly. Since his amazing breakthrough appearance on Cliff Yablonski's pages of hate, Uglycat has garnered quite a cult following of animal and ugly lovers around the globe. After all, he's the only cat Cliff Y. himself doesn't hate!
For the further adventures of Uglycat, check out this great Photoshopped Uglycat thread in the SA Forums. A couple of pictures on the front page are stupid and / or not for the faint of heart, but the quality improves as the pages flow on, I assure you! GO UGLYCAT GO!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Were you enjoying your day? STOP! There is outrageous crap going on you need to know about!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.