THE PAGE OF SHAME

I'm going to keep this brief because I really have to go to the bathroom. The following submitted images did not meet my inconsistent and thoroughly inexplicable criteria, so I will therefore mock them. Just for fun I did a really bad job tagging the images.

Unkempt is one of my favorite regular contributors, but this horrible image brings he and the whole damn lot of us nothing but shame! I'm all for killing Jar Jar, but shouldn't he leave that to the less talented amateurs? A man of his skill should be making beautiful images of Bea Arthur giving birth to a unicorn while clinging to the leg of a helicopter, not "Star Wars" graphics sure to please every nerd who ever lost his temper thinking about something George Lucas did wrong with his franchise. This image is just messy, barely related to sports, and really bad. I'm going to assume Unkempt was having a really rotten day when he made this. Maybe he got raped by a bear or thrown off a cliff, I don't know. The important thing is that he will never ever do it again or I will hunt him down, poke him in the eyes, and repeatedly hum the theme song to "Hawaii Five-O" until he shoots himself.

I'm going to honestly ban the next person on our forums to use this stupid Peter Pan loser in a Phriday submission. How many rotten pictures have I had to suffer through where somebody thought it would be the cat's meow if that queer looking Peter Pan fellow was thrown in for no reason whatsoever? If I could count on one hand, I'd be a fucking mutant with about twenty extra fingers. I'll make this short and sweet: Mike Toole, I want to run over your limbs with an SUV. Then I want to place a beehive on top of your chest and take pot shots at it with a BB gun while drinking Vanilla Pepsi and eating cotton candy.

I tend to not like it when people take a joke from their favorite show is submit it here. Sometimes they do a good job and it's worth including, but most of the time it's just pointless. I mean if it was funny on "The Simpsons," why not just leave it there and come up with your own comedy? I know we aren't always the most original hobbits in the Shire, what with our constant pedophile jokes and attempts to turn every tragedy into a coffin full of smiles, but I think we manage to keep things pretty darn funny. BubmanSucks, in addition to not being an example of our talents, is also a fine example of why I think capital punishment is flawed simply because it targets society's refuse and not people who don't know how to come up with their own jokes, let alone make the ones they steal look half decent. I keep saying 2d art looks terrible in 3d pictures, yet people try to get away with it and somehow can't tell that there is clearly a problem. But enough about that, from now on Photoshop Phriday is dedicated to repeating your favorite sitcom jokes and pasting 2d art into 3d pictures. IT WILL BE HILARIOUS.

Mathemagician miscalculated comedy and came up with this horrific piece of flambéed dog shit. What a "Strange Moment in Sports" indeed! This is a quality blooper all right! I've got an idea for a funny blooper video. It would be a funny video of me slitting Mathemagician's throat. Only using a knife wouldn't be dramatic enough, so I'd steal the U.S. Constitution and use it to give him a vicious paper cut to the juggler. I think it would be pretty funny.

Oh come on, do you people even think before you make this shit? I mean is it profound ignorance or genuine hatred for your fellow man that leads you to not only make something this terrible, but also share it with the world? serra_bellum, you have a gift. Unfortunately that gift is the visual equivalent of being really good at spreading the AIDS virus. Please don't poison us.

Okay, now that that's done, I'd like to thank the Something Awful Forum Goons for submitting some fine work. Wait! Hold on, I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay, I'm back. Sorry for the interruption. I'd also like to thank you for reading this. We'll be back next week with hilarious crop circles formed on Robin Williams' back hair.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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