State Og's first annual Kid Inventions Contest wrapped up on Friday, and we're going to show you the very best submissions! All seven lucky winners will have their ideas turned into actual products by State Og, so keep an eye out for the following items in your town soon! Thanks to Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell for judging and compiling the following entries.
7th place by Morty Goldbergstein
Morty's submission made every single one of our judges stop in their tracks and ask themselves, "What kind of pie is that?" The general consensus is cherry, but Morty -like any good inventor- isn't letting his secrets out. We have a prototype oven in testing already, with just a few kinks we'd like to work out before release. The Jewish Oven tends to think that all small animals are Germans and therefore ensnares, then bakes them at the standard Kraut-vaporizing 1,200 degrees. The oven also inexplicably registers children as double-Germans, and as such bakes them at 2,400 degrees.
6th place by Emcee Chris
What else can really be said about this elegant and useful idea? No longer do you have to strain your neck while looking around for a fat guy, no sir! Now you can let technology do the work for you, and reap the rewards.
5th place by Jimmy Corrigan
Illegal cloning experiments and several hundred hours of spot-welding have made little Jimmy's invention a reality. Once these bad boys are introduced to the school transit system, you'll be happier than ever to see your child get off the bus after a long day at school!
4th place by Emmett Brown
To tell you the truth, I have no idea what the hell this thing is. However, as State Og's representative I can assure you that we're going to strap it to the coolest looking car we can find.
3rd place by Kristin Sater
2nd place by Mike Allred
We absolutely love Mike's idea, and are working around the clock to bring it to fruition. So far we've been able to cover several hundred dogs in various substances (applesauce, glue, gasoline), then detonate piles of dynamite directly under them. While no dog has survived so far, we did manage to get a discount on the dynamite by buying in bulk.
1st place by Bobby Maplethorpe
- State Og Representative
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!