I wish I cared about anything as much as Subway cares about putting avocados in their stupid fucking subs— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) February 19, 2013
live your life in a way that when people find out the freaky sex shit you're into they're just like "haha yeah that definitely makes sense"— acidic jew (@subtle_violence) February 19, 2013
theres 2 rival communities on twitter: hollywood celebs and adult men who wear diapers and make turds in them. i'll pick sides later— deg (@degg) February 21, 2013
workin hard or hardly workin? i dont know you tell me Ass Hole...which is the one that describes me haveing a boner at the office— rad milk (@rad_milk) February 21, 2013
My best pick up line, "Now's your chance to get in on the ground floor of something special," is more effective when I'm not drunk at noon.— Rob Hoffman (@Rob_Hoffman) February 21, 2013
Hey so this is awkward considering we broke up two years ago, but this love coupon does say "expires: never" soooo can I get that foot rub?— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) February 21, 2013
"yeah this movie is a real tearjerker" - me holding a dvd of Crying Masturbating Men 7— stefan(@boring_as_heck) February 21, 2013
you're telling me a chicken fried this rice?— Tami Cruickshank (@TamiCruickshank) February 22, 2013
Vanilla ice . Com— Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) February 23, 2013
the sun begins to set into the ocean. the wind billows through my white linen shirt. i play a sensuous sax solo wearing my google glasses— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) February 23, 2013
*mega huge tampon falls out of my pocket* oh damn how'd this get here ;)— beebles (@beebles) February 23, 2013
You know how the store keeps cilantro and parsley separate so people don't confuse them? Hollywood does that with me and Val Kilmer.— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 24, 2013
BTW I am nominated for Sound Editing for Les Miserables for my ability to quickly hit “mute” whenever Russell Crowe sings— Andy Levy (@andylevy) February 25, 2013
just parted my hair down the exact middle like a total piece of shit— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) February 25, 2013
Not a great time for those of us who regularly search "onion cunt" as the query seems to be filled with drama of some sort— jerry cat aol.com (@dogboner) February 25, 2013
i have a plunger with a horizontal handle but it's only big enough for one hand. i want one that's like a dynamite plunger from looney toons— tinybaby (@tinybaby) February 25, 2013
review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off— wint (@dril) February 25, 2013
I told my grandpa that it was all going to be okay since The Onion apologized and he said "Son, you are not makin' a lick of sense"— matt (@biorhythmist) February 25, 2013
MAYBE THE IKEA MONKEY WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE HORSE MEAT, WOW WHAT A C-WORD, OPPA GANGNAM STYLE, THIS IS A TOILET WEBSITE #HARLEMSHAKE— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) February 25, 2013
100% real, this is what my phone pocket typed in my gym shorts today instagr.am/p/WK4eE9yx-z/— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) February 25, 2013
Can you say you're drowning in pussy if it's just yours— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) February 26, 2013
The week after I shared about my abandonment issues with my psychiatrist he quit, but he'll be back, right?I'll be better, I promise.— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) February 26, 2013
cant sleep due to constantly putting figure fours on my persecutors in dream. doc says i have wrestles leg syndrome. i just want relief.— Greg (@weedguy420boner) February 26, 2013
How about this: I'm willing to let this horse meat mistake slidesdale?— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 26, 2013
Let me explain why I don't use abbreviations (abbreves for short):— KATORYN REVY (@butthugs) February 26, 2013
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.