The official Nintendo e-mail newsletter recently called upon loyal fans to write in with things they'd like to see in upcoming iterations of the company's flagship titles. I thought the results were surprisingly good, so I'm reprinting them here for everyone who hasn't subscribed to the newsletter.
"JUST PUT A BIG OL TREE WHERE NOBODY WAS EXPECTING ONE"
"there should be a new powerup suit that turns Mario into a Jedi"
"the series needs to evolv because the 90s' are over and games have come so far. Mario should be able to slide against objectts for cover"
"I'd like to see the series finally address the issue of Obama's conveniently 'missing' birth certificate and/or why there aren't any white running backs in the NFL."
"Please explore Mario's plumbing roots, I suggest a mini-game that lets the player waggle the Wii remote to clean the inside of a pipe and then plunge it before Mario can jump in."
"a boomerang that travels underground for the ultimate surprise"
"Darker themes such as weight issues, retaining honor in the face of people making fun of your shirts, and dealing with guilt after taking the credit card from the pocket book to access premium content on NarutoFanScans.biz"
"JUST GIVE THE DUDE A TANK ALREADY"
"more fairies that stay on the screen the entire time you play, hopefully bigger and louder with more effects like trails of glitter and lens flares"
"Get H.R. Giger to design everything, then make it so that every single door and puzzle is opened by going into ball mode and rolling into a hole."
"JUST HAVE HER PLAY BACK A RECORDING OF ALL THE ALIENS SHE KILLED AND REALIZE THAT THEY'RE TALKING KLINGON SAYING 'shes the alien, we're innocent humans' BLOOP SHAKESPEAREAN ENDING"
"increase the fun factor by 3.5 with the injection of more gaming goodness and replayablity"
"Futuristic weapons, like that semi-automatic shotgun in that Tom Clancy game."
"whats an earthbound??"
"A powerup that turns the rider into a kart sitting atop the kart he or she is driving, effectively doubling their speed."
"You know how Double Dash let two characters ride on a kart? Up the ante by adding an extra rearview mirror."
"put in a speed limit and get rid of those banana peels before someone gets hurt"
"JUST ADD A GOOD/EVIL METER"
All Aspect Warfare
Why pay for this when you can get the most entertaining Derek Smart experience out there for free by reading the Steam forums? 1/10
Return To Mysterious Island 2
An island so mysterious they returned two times, a game so dull you'll return it once. 3/10
Batman: Arkham Asylum
Of course the best Batman game of all time is also the most faithful to the spirit of the comics, even if the main plot involving Joker's attempted theft of the titular Ark containing a priceless ham wasn't quite right. 9/10
Whether you play in FPS mode or view the action from above in RTS, you'll be staring point-blank into the orifice of monotony, beset on all sides by the droning mumbles of people who couldn't quite make the cut as voice actors in ARMA 2. 2/10
If Resident Evil 4 had monks and no one had ever heard of it, it would be this. 6/10
Professor Layton And The Mysterious Box
An engaging and whimsical take on the Unabomber case. 7/10
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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