View From The Wall, submitted by Lowtax. David Allen Rivera has been studying the Illuminati for years, possibly through a powerful microscope or something equally as scientific. For those of you who aren't "in the know" or "completely insane" like David, the Illuminati is a secret organization that controls all of the world's governments through some non-specific means that may involve the Necronomicon. David has published his earth-shattering findings in a 536 page book that's freely available online. Take that, Stephen King!

Back in 1978, I was given a cassette tape that had been recorded at the Open Door Church in Chambersburg, PA. The guest speaker was a gentleman by the name of John Todd. He identified himself as a former witch who was involved in a secret Order of the elite known as the Illuminati, who had been controlling world events for over 200 years, and whose ultimate goal was to establish a one-world government. I was quite shaken after listening to this tape, because in high school and college, I had begun to delve heavily into the facts and circumstances surrounding the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, and had come to the conclusion that there indeed was a conspiracy to kill him. I believed that this plot had been so pervasive and all-encompassing that it reached into the highest levels of government. Now, here was a man who was elaborating on the existence of a group who had the power, means, and motive to carry out such an act.

I've just got one question for the Illuminati: why is it so hard for me to score with sexy nurses? I mean, what good is a worldwide conspiracy if it doesn't totally get you laid and shit? Anyway, you can also check out David's other books, including an in-depth analysis of The Matrix and a comprehensive guide to the pagan origins of major holidays. With titles like "Helloween: Halloween Unmasked" and "Christmas Unwrapped: It's Not Cool to Yule" how can you go wrong?

– Jedidiah (@notoriousamoeba)

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