A briss is an important occasion for a Jewish family, during which a child is circumcised and given a Hebrew name. Naturally, such ceremonies put people in the mood to party, especially with a cheesy DJ with a laptop full of Paul Oakenfold MP3s! But KeysDAN doesn't only books brisses. Instead, he offers his services at bridal showers, pet celebrations ("opening our hearts to a new pet is a jubilant time"), and even "no reason, no season -- just party!"
A self-proclaimed "master of karaoke jams," KeysDAN also excels at futuristic Max Headroom-style stuttering. Truly this man wears many hats. ("Contrary to the common belief, the DJ does more than just push play. We are a personal assistant, reception coordinator, master of ceremonies, party host, dance instructor, and disc jockey. ") Also, he sells many hats with his face on them, along with similarly emblazoned buttons, magnets and framed tiles. Clearly KeysDAN can do just about anything, other than designing a Web site that isn't a complete laughingstock.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
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