Fall is here, setting in motion a series of events that culminates in Your Flabby Ass Getting Fatter. But why suffer the bodily insults of Halloween, Thanksgiving, fall birthdays, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year's without putting up a fight? Here are some exercise things that won't work, but that's okay, because you're not going to exercise anyway. I'm not going to, either. It's the American way!
Why not start with "Valslide Exercise Kit", a $30 pair of plastic pads that allow you to slide across your carpet? Well, the lady on the package didn't get skinny from sliding around on these glorified furniture gliders, and neither will you while you're scooting to and from the mini-fridge. The only thing feeling the burn in this situation is the carpet.
A treadmill desk would be a great idea, except that it costs $479.00. Not including the treadmill.
Oh, and also, even walking very slowly makes it difficult to type accurately or focus on doing anything productive. But that's okay. You're burning a small amount of calories when you walk on this bad boy! Two hours of senior-citizen-pace walking plus six hours of awkwardly standing on your treadmill makes for a full day of work. As a plus, your metabolism will adjust to the exercise and make you hungrier, causing the last two hours of the day to seemingly go on forever.
Your stomach will growl for carbs all afternoon, and you don't want to waste your treadmill time, so you stand, and shift, and web-surf, and ache. It's a new low for you! Not weight. Your spirit. Your weight will stay the same, because you'll eat those 200 treadmill calories in between your front door and the computer chair at home.
"Swap out your chair for an exercise ball," everyone says. "It'll work your core." And maybe it does! Who knows if this works? Nobody. Because every single person in the office wants to talk about it. And they want to talk about it every day until you throw it in the trash where it belongs, and put your regular chair back. They'll still go on with the talking, swapping the "How's your ball, what's the ball for, wow" for the "Ha, looks like you need a chair after all!" At least now you don't have to sit on a bouncy ball all day.
And now that we're this far down the rabbit hole, in this fantasy realm where sitting on a circus prop magically improves your body, why not go full-on retard wonderland? Stand on this whole-body vibrator and it vibrates. Maybe it makes you lose weight, maybe it damages your soft tissue, probably it messes up your spine. The main benefit to this vibration platform is that it gives you an excuse to install a giant vibrator in your house and demand that everyone leave you alone while you "exercise."
Plop that treadmill desk in front of this thing, cue up some deviant streaming porn on your laptop, and let her rip. Your whole body's vibrating now. These extra pounds are flopping around everywhere and no one can stop them. Just you and your fat, jiggling the night away.
Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.
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