GBonicus' Dad:"You'd better make sure you switch which side you lay on every night, or your breasts'll be lopsided."FelchTragedy's Mom: "Don't marry an English woman, marry an Italian. She'll cook and clean for you."

DeadPuppies' Mom: "Don't go over to his house alone. He'll rape you."

TheOxygen's Mom: "Don't ever be alone with that girl, she could accuse you of raping her."

klem_johansen's Dad: "You should never completely trust any woman under 30. And even the older ones you have to be a bit wary of."

mike_the_bandit's Dad: "You know the Jackson 5? Yeah, well, there's only two of them. It's all done with mirrors!"

InspectHerGadget's Mom: "Remember, I can see you anywhere you go. I have magical eyes."

Cynyc's Mom: "The correct word for 'breast' is 'mammary gland'. Only use that word. Calling them anything else is direspectful to women." Alaska's Mom: "Is this Pink Floyd? I went to a Pink Floyd concert once, when I was younger. I did mescaline that night and lost my virginity in the back seat of a Mercury Cougar."

ElProducto's Dad:"I'm not real good at this relationship stuff, Tony, but my advice is to just go get a wild piece of ass."

biznatchio's Dad: "You're the result of a bottle of Tequila on a Sunday afternoon."

Paulemite's Dad: "Don't use the personal ads. Only fatties use them."

jingo's Mom: "If we all hold hands in a circle around the lake we could purify it."

Bob_teh_fish's Mom: "You should be thankful you're not a poor farmer in China; a lot of those men have no women, so they have to jerk themselves off."

MrFictitious's Dad: "I read a story in the paper about a college kid who got drunk, went climbing on a terrace, fell off, and died. Moral of the story: don't die."

britishbornandbread's Dad: "Ben, if you come home with a boyfriend me and you are gonna discuss it outside with some sticks."

Richard Feynman's Mom: "When you masturbate, you're throwing away God's love..."

Sigma X's Dad: "If you're every thinking of getting married, just remember: NO!"

And that's that for this week's Goldmine. Remember, all of these people are now productive and happy members of society and their parents' advice and helpful wisdom was in part responsible for that. Thanks to the parents, these goons lead very satisfying and joyful lives! Also, I am lying about a lot of things.

– Emily "Integral" Reigel

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