You: Statistically, probably clicked on this link by mistake. Me: Collating article comprised of Something Awful forum posts about missed connections postings. Not interested in a long term relationship, writing these intros is just a sex thing for me
You took my order at Burger King (25M)
I came up to the drive-through window on my skateboard and you were kind enough to take my order. I was super grateful, because my car broke down and the only means of transportation I had was my crappy little board. I thought you were pretty hot. I'd like to get together sometime. If you wanna see me again, email me and tell me either what color my board was or what I ordered. Hope to hear from you soon.
Assortment of attractive people in Boston -
Hey everyone, I was in downtown boston today and I saw at least 50-60 pretty attractive people. I don't know if you noticed me, but I was at the library around 11am, and then later I was at the coffee place across the street. Anyway, I was too nervous to talk to any of you but if you thought I was cute send me an email and say what I was wearing.
You: A ruggedly handsome Roadrunner.
Me: A fuller figured female Roadrunner, it may look like I'm made out of old timey bombs and sticks of dynamite, but that just means there's more of me to love.
I was on the other side of the canyon when you narrowly escaped from that genius Coyote.
Let's meet up on the giant bullseye beneath the old anvil for coffee, and maybe more ; )
Me: 6'6" lumberjack I'm 6' tall the other measurement isn't overstatement
You: 3 foot tall woman with a flat head for me to put my beer on, no teeth, and able to stand for the duration of a football game and doesn't talk too much. You were waiting for your bus for 50 minutes longer than usual because a fight broke out on the bus from your job at the post office ten blocks up and the driver had to stop and give a statement after one minority killed a different minority
I think we had a real connection. I know you felt it, too. I held the subway door open for you so you could get out at the 5th St stop, and you thanked me and then we made eye contact and I could feel magic between us. The way your eyes lit up made my heart melt in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I can tell that you are a kind person and I'm hoping we can get to know each other. I didn't have time to talk to you before the doors closed, but I immediately regretted not getting off the train and following you. Perhaps this is our second chance.
You: tall, skinny African American woman, early 20's, curly hair, carrying a book on feminist literature.
Me: 5'9 proud White man, 23, shaved head, tattoo of an eagle on a swastika on my chest.
You made an order at Burger King (27M)
You came up to the drive-through window on a skateboard. I was super grateful, because I was bored to death. I thought you were pretty hot. I'd like to get together sometime. If you wanna see me again, email me and tell me how the skinny bitch that took your order reacted to your little joke (it was very funny) . Hope to hear from you soon.
hey welcome to the show!
Me- late 20s white man driving a Grey Toyota yaris.
You- 3 or 4 year old white tailed doa with a possible limp.
You bolted out of the woods and ran in front of my car one night after I left my 16 hour shift at midnight on a Sunday. I ended up hitting you with my car and you dented the shit out of my front end costing me around 300 dollars in repairs.
You walked away seemingly unharmed from it all and if your still alive and reading this,
Not looking for anything long term, this would be a purely sexual thing on the DL message me if interested.
YOU OWE ME!
Millions of Crows
You: 16 year old brunette babysitting their infant brother in a 1986 American suburb
Me: tall, pale, immortal goblin king, big blond hair, tight pants and impressive bulge. Also i have an army of hideous muppets and i abducted your little brother. RVSP or I'm keeping him.
luv 2 date boys
hey i saw u at the frozen food section at the kroger store on broadway st.
i was wearing a t-shirt w/ jeans with about 2 day stubble on my face
u were some average looking girl i don't remember much maybe u had brown hair
i saw u in the pizza section where you grabbed a digiornio pepp and put it in your cart
i just want 2 get in touch again to let u know you can get like 6 tortinos party pizza for the same price
this isnothing sexual or nothing liek that. i just need to know that u know about that good deal. they r even cheaper if u get a Kroger store discount card too...
email me or text me to confirm u know about the deal
You were struggling to pass a large bowel movement in the women's handicap stall at the Goodwill in Lakeland
I stuck my head under the stall and licked your ankle and grinned, if you want to pick things up where we left off text me with the symbol that was written on my forehead (you will remember it)
We were in Tokyo. It was raining. We met and our eyes locked, bodies illuminated with the glow of the advertisements and street lights. I couldn't see anything but you-- not hurrying crowds, not the tanks, not the jet fighters.
You: A beautiful, brown haired, 40ft tall gorilla.
Me: Large and in-charge, radioactive lizard.
Our encounter was so brief, so fraught. Lets try again; I'm sure we can really knock em dead this time.
Me: 94lbs man sitting on the subway wearing a Rainbow Dash hoodie 3 sizes too big.
You: the girl with the anime-con lanyard playing on her phone and cracking gum. Our eyes met and you did not look away in disgust.
There's still 2 more days left of con, pls come to my booth in Artist Alley. Mine is the one with all the pictures obscured by "18+ ONLY" signs.
fat bossy gerbil
Me: A dashing and heroic officer of unparalleled skill and bravery, one of the finest aces to serve the Kaiser's Fliegertruppen.
You: The young Frenchman who's aircraft I had just riddles with bullets.
We locked eyes for a moment as our planes soared past one another. I caught that glimpse of your piercing blue eyes through the smoke of your engine and it felt like destiny, as if we had known each other our whole lives.
I hope I'm not mistaking abject terror for a deep sense of longing, I'm sure it was quite a shock to receive forward fire as you flew toward my aircraft (we've got these slick new guns that are synchronized with the propeller) and I'm terribly sorry about the rounds that found their way into the engine, igniting your aircraft and sending you hurtling downward towards no mans land.
I hope you made it out alright, I'd love to buy you a drink and see where it goes.
You: A beloved series of movies with an iconic villain still in the mainstream 30 years after introduction
Me: 3 utter piles of crap full of ridiculous boring ideas and a whiney kid that cant act
Lets get together and drive 95% of internet nerds to near insanity! Rarrw!
flick my Mr. Bean
you: stranger crying in the Atlanta airport by gate B7
me: guy in pleather jacket who tried to hug you
I tried to hug you but you pushed me away and said "Not right now. I need to be alone" Did this mean you want a hug later? I would love to get to know you and possibly hug you if you want.
Blurry Gray Thing
You: young and ambitious, full of hopes and dreams, so certain that nothing is impossible, so certain you will overcome.
Me: your future self, decrepit and alone, a withered husk sitting amidst the ruins of a misspent life, staring back at you through the fog of time.
Not looking for anything long term, this is purely a sex thing.
Me: Middle aged pasty white male working graveyard shift at the hospital
You: Beautiful young blond woman who didn't say much but just laid there staring at me with those big blue eyes hooked up to the ventilator.
We shared a brief stolen moment but came back the next day and you weren't there anymore. Let me know where you were wheeled off to and I will make contact again.
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.