"Ha ha, very funny!" I thought. I've got hot looking women watching me so I had to try to be cool. I kind of laughed to hide my embarrassment and I grabbed my bull hook. "Clara!! Trunk!!" I yelled in my deepest authoritative voice. She just chirped and kept rocking. She was rocking so hard back and forth that she was lifting her feet off the ground. It was funny, but I'd never let on."CLARA!! TRUNK!!" and I hooked the base of her trunk and tugged it down. She lowered her trunk down and to the right. I kind of snickered and looked at the crowd like, "That's what I'm talkin' about." I walk around and reach for my keys and she suddenly jerks her truck back up in the air!! She let's out this huge trumpet and starts rocking again.Now I'm officially pissed off. The crowd is 100% on her side and she's got me hopping up in the air like a retard. I jump up and grab her trunk. Another keeper, Rick, sees this and comes running in the cage. Clara has me hanging from her trunk and is slowly swinging me back and forth. Rick just starts laughing and I know I'm fucked. The crowd is laughing. Rick is laughing. The elephants are laughing. My dignity is now gone. I knew it was funny. But when it's you, you try to act cool. Sometimes cool loses.

So I play the old "Ignore her and she'll stop" game. I let go and start walking away. I slip through the bars and stand next to the public with my back to Clara. I just stand there, not talking and I wink at the crowd. I'm thinking, "Jeezus , please let this work or I'll look completely stupid." Suddenly I hear my keys land at my feet. I bend over and pick them up and the crowd laughs. I figure they're laughing with me now. I look at everyone and smile and kind of give them the "I showed her" look. I slip back in the cage and wave at the crowd. I go back to feeding the elephants. SHIT!!Clara is now holding my feed cart 15 above my head.

How's THAT for intelligent? And for you naysayers, yes this was a true story. Stuff like this was why you had to be on guard every minute you were around these animals. They were always trying to pull some shit. God, I miss them.That's it for the Goldmine this week. A big thanks again to SA Forum Goon "Bigpeeler" for the stories! Nobody reads this far down, I bet. I'm here, all by myself. Where is that gin at?

– Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2021 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful