Release Notes

This update started out as a simple guessing game and somehow turned into me eating condiments while an Internet forum egged me on. I'm not sure where that happened. With a few hours' perspective behind me I guess "me chugging steak sauce" wasn't the best basis for an update, but whatever. It's still miles better than that goddamn Michael Myers article.

On a side note, Pregame Wrapup will return next week. I just felt like doing an AMDB and I couldn't think of many good "John Amaechi is gay" jokes. Chalk it up to grit.

The Dan Folder

The Dan Folder is a project near and dear to my heart. It started several years ago when I met Dan. Dan was either incredibly talented or the worst writer I'd ever met. To this day I'm not sure which one is truer. Any time I was lucky enough to find a piece of his writing I'd story it in The Dan Folder.

Most of Dan's problems stemmed from the fact that he was essentially a gigantic walking penis. He stood about 6'3, weighed well over 270 pounds, and communicated by saying "fuck" and telling huge lies about near death experiences. Also punching walls. Dan did not meet a wall he didn't like to punch. At one point I saw him punch a wall because his lighter didn't work. When we offered to let him use ours he told us he "didn't like to rely on other people" and reared back like he was going to punch the wall again. Instead, however, he walked four blocks to a gas station so he could buy a new lighter. One of my friends offered him a ride but he cited his "relying on other people" thing again and took off. Dan was very serious about lighters, among other things. In the few years I knew him he came up with these lines:

  • "I have buried over 20 good friends."
  • "I went to the hospital to get my stomach pumped and was back drinking at the same party three hours later."
  • "You can't tread on a man who walks with giants unless you're a bigger giant."
  • "My dad used to give me a bunch of shit until I hit puberty and bought this puppy down in Mexico." The "puppy" was a two-bladed knife with Darth Vader painted on one side and Anakin Skywalker on the other.
  • (After playing a game of Burnout on Gamecube): "I started a wreck that cost the state millions of dollars rebuilding an overpass. Walked away from it without a scratch."

Dan's words really shone in written form, however. Having recently rediscovered The Dan Folder I would like to use these Daily Dirts to transcribe some of his work from time to time, as well as share some stories about one of the strangest people I ever met. It's late here so we'll just do one this time. It's a review of the oft-overlooked classic "Juwanna Mann":

Recently released in VHS and DVD, the movie Juwanna Mann is proved to be a comical and entertaining, with a romantic twist.

The movie stars Miguel A. Nu'nez. Jr. Vivica A. Fox, Tammy Davidson, Kevin Pollak, Kim Wayans, Ginuwine, and Lil' Kim. With such a spellbinding cast, the movie is bound to be a great success.

The main character an egotistical basketball player (Nu'nez), gets kicked out of the professional mans' league due to a vulger public display at one of the teams games which also led to the loss of the characters many superficial friends. In order to continue his professional career as a basketball superstar he results to mandering his way into the Women's NBA. By compromising his personal beliefs, pride, and integrity, by becoming a transvestite, he believes everyone he is a Women's NBA country girl called Juwanna Mann. During his time spent as the oh so loveable southern bell, Jammal learns about teamwork all the while heel falls in love head over heel in love with a fellow teammate, played by Vivica A. Fox.

This movie is filled with every aspect of any movie lover's expectations. This was deffinately a movie worth seeing, one "Juwanna" see.

Please note that this is transcribed exactly as it is on paper (I double-checked it), and that Dan honestly saw nothing wrong with it. And he was a goddamn English major.

I'm out of time writing this but next time we'll examine some of Dan's poetry and maybe some of his fiction. Or maybe we'll just talk about his acne spots and how he swore up and down that they were scars from getting shot at long range with a shotgun. Who knows.

~*goodbye goons*~

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade

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