If anyone is actually reading this article and wants me to ramble on about something else, send me an email with a suggestion because I am clean out of ideas.
Eh... close enough!Look I don't care if Marky Mark is Max Payne; not even Uwe Boll can screw this up (thankfully they didn't give him a chance). All I can say is if that motherfucker doesn't pop down several bottles of pain killers before slow motion diving into a room and blasting up some fat mafioso sons of bitches I am going to be pissed out of MY MIND.
Oh and as far as the supernatural stuff, you guys do know that is all probably just hallucinations right? I would write about how Marko Markiestador was a bad choice for a Vicodin addicted detective shooting his way to the truth but I honestly don't have any problems with the dude.
The main problem is that the movie is based off a video game and we all know how that turns out. I don't care how profitable Mortal Kombat was or how much I loved it as a kid; it stunk. I am still waiting for video games to go the way of the comic book movies but since no one takes them seriously (and Boll has destroyed any chance of that), I don't see it happening any time soon.
The movie will not be Payne-full. (Though it will be filled with Max Payne but not the pun I am going for).If the movie sucks I would let you guys know but I am pretty stubborn and would never admit that I was wrong. So look foreward to the, "The Max Payne Movie Was Awesome!!!" article that will grace the Daily Dirt in a couple of weeks.
Besides, Marky Markmeister was pretty good in Shooter and that isn't very far from this movie... right? I can suspend disbelief for a Max Payne movie.
Right now you are probably thinking, "You didn't have anything to write about but you wanted to write and since it is the daily dirt no one will read it anyway." You would be absolutely correct. Besides, no one has updated the Daily Dirt since my last article since they are all big pansies and know they can't top my article on a movie made 18 years ago.
Take a look at this chump:
I have used my bot to create Olive Garden commercials. This is a bot I have. Don't question it.
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!