00:00 - I have just ingested 4 lbs. of chunky peanut butter. Over the next few hours I will document it's effects on my body and mind.
+00:01 - I feel like I need to poop.
+00:06 - I am starting to feel a mild euphoria. I'm getting a little dizzy. Watching some Charmed at the moment. Piper is such a bitch I hate her.
+00:18 - Burp. Now it's starting to really kick in. I find it hard to walk now. My gut feels like it's going to explode.
+00:32 - Woah. The walls are totally melting. I can taste not only peanuts, but the peanut's souls. I can see myself as if I were a peanut. There I am on the peanut tree. Oh no, I am being picked by a migrant farm worker. Oh mother tree save me. Noooooo!
+00:33 - Do peanuts grow on trees? I don't know.
+00:44 - I wish I had a beard like Wolf Blitzer.
+00:56 - This shit ain't stopping. I might have overdosed. Call 911.
+01:14 - I have left my body completely. I can see myself laying there with a spoon full of peanut butter and I am naked. My penis is so small. But I am so turned on. I want to masturbate while watching my own lifeless body. Oh peanuts what have you done to me?
+01:39 - I have discovered the meaning of life.
+01:42 - I have forgotten the meaning of life.
+02:34 - What if instead of hemoglobin it was hemogoblin haha shit
+02:51 - Phase 2 of peanut butter high is kicking in. I am a general in Mr. Peanut's army. Take me away Mr. Peanut. Make me one with God. Fight the evil opressors of the chosen race.
+03:21 - I am reading the update I wrote for valentine's day and it is really stupid!
+03:32 - Check out Mandy Patinkin in an all new Criminal Minds tonight on CBS. CBS IS GAY AND STUPID AND GAY THOUGH.
+03:49 - ONE DAY YOU WILL DIE AND SEE THAT I AM RIGHT.
+04:01 - fish don't wear pants. Pantsfish is a lie.
+04:22 - IF REBATES ARE SO FUCKING UNRELIABLE WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP BUYING SHIT BECAUSE OF A REABTE FUCK YOUUUUUU
+04:55 - Vons Brand peanut butter is laced with COCAINE
+05:02 - djalsdjsalkdjslakdjaslkdas
+05:05 - I might be coming down now. No wait it might be a trick. Mr. Peanut is dishonest. Don't trust him.
+05:57 - Phew, I really am coming down now. I still feel a little nutty though. Hahaha I WROTE THIS WHOLE THING SO I CAN MAKE THAT ONE JOKE.
+06:01 - I have returned to baseline. What a trip. I just might have to do this again sometime.
+06:44 - I just took a dump. My poop had the consistancy of Play-Doh. The end.
Today's update
I think those Dear Richard emails were funny. I haven't read any really insane ones in a while. I think those days are over. I deliberately did not mention any permabanned forum members by name because they are all fags.
–
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!
