Zack: Walt shoots him several times and he collapses back against the wall. Blood soaks his shirt. As he dies, the knife falls from his fingers and clatters onto the floor. It seems like a dagger of some sort.
Steve: Checking the dagger and the briefcase.
Zack: The dagger is emblazoned with a symbol on the pommel that is like a sawblade incorporated into a wolf's paw with an eye in the center of the blade.
Zack: The briefcase is difficult to get open. It seems locked.
Steve: Pry it open somehow. I don't want to blow it up if there is a bomb inside.
Zack: Gags thinks he can open it. While he's prying it open, the tavernkeeper and his wife come out of the back and are like, "What have you done?! They will know. They will know!"
Steve: Betty is all, "Who will know? Who is they?"
Zack: The wife screams, "NACHTWÖLFE!" and runs from the room. The man gives you a last agonized look and chases after her to calm her down.
Steve: What about the briefcase?
Zack: You get it open and it seems to be some sort of armored carrying case. In a dozen chambers are finger-sized blue crystals that give off a very faint glow.
Steve: Great. The one thing worse than a haunted mansion. One full of magic crystals.
Zack: You don't know they're magic.
Steve: Is this going to be another radioactive ghouls scenario? Are you really going to make me fight ghouls again?
Zack: Find out, NEXT TIIIIIIME!
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Guess what's back? Frosty tundras! And me.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.