I mean, jeez, he asked for my opinion!

Subject: No B.S. here, just need your help
Date: Sun, 01 Mar 1998 01:55:43 -0600
From: Barnettt@OnRamp.Net
Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion

Hello friends,

If you can spare a minute, would you please visit my site at: http://rampages.onramp.net/~barnettt/ and browse through a few pages and e-mail me with your thoughts about the site? I want feedback to see if this business could work, or if I'm just wasting my time.

In anticipation of fully launching our new Web site, we are asking for feedback from YOU! Specifically, we want to know if you are interested in our products. Please take some time to visit our site and e-mail us with your thoughts, suggestions, or comments. It would mean a lot to us!

At Barnett Direct we hope to offer you a pleasant, personal shopping experience--right from the comfort of your home. No driving, no crowds, no bother--and with the absolute assurance that your satisfaction is 100% Guaranteed! Our guarantee is unconditional and includes every item in our catalog, including all personalized selections.



e-mail: barnettt@onramp.net

(There was some REALLY great stuff on the webpage, like a leather money clip, a "neck magnifier", a silk-screened "Home Sweet Home" plaque, and much more. I'd advise yout to check it out!)

To: barnettt@onramp.net
Subject:Your on-line business

Dear Tom,

I think that's a GREAT idea, about shopping at home! I hate having to go out to get out of bed to go out and buy stuff. I wish I could do all my grocery shopping online! Maybe you could do that too! An on-line grocery store! Hey, if you guys decide to do that, make sure I get credit for it ;) !

But your site is a wonderful idea and think it will do well. Most of the personalized stuff is really neato, like the picture stands and the silver beer mug. But you should think about offering other personalized things, like an engraved cookbook carrying pouch. Sometimes my friend Jerry comes by and he always tries to claim my cookbook is his! But if I had the carrying pouch with my name on it, he'd think twice, ha ha! Also another good idea would be voice-activated doorknobs. I'm sick of carrying a bunch of things and when I go to open my door, I fumble around and drop stuff! I'd like to be able to say "OPEN" and the door opens! Oh, and that could work for the toilet seat too, because sometimes at night I have to pee pee and I'm too tired to notice that the lid is down and I pee all over the toilet and the floor. Then I have to clean it up or it gets sticky and smells bad. So that would be a good idea too. Oh, and you should also sell Halloween costumes too, because I sometimes go to masquerade parties, and I need a pirate costume, but nowhere sells them and so I end up making my own, and everybody at the party asks "What the fuck are you supposed to be?" and I tell them I'm a pirate and they start laughing and laughing, at least until I beat their face into their throat. But you could make a lot of money selling Halloween costumes year round, I think.

Well, that's all my suggestions. Oh yeah, one last thing, for the free gifts, what's the deal with the "Military Knife"? It looks like a Swiss Army knife! But it says it features a "fish hook disgorger". What does the military need with a "fish hook disgorger"? Do they get attacked by enemy fishermen alot? That's real odd!

Hope I've been some help!


Subject: RE: Your on-line business
Date: Mon, 02 Mar 1998 07:28:06 -0600
From: "Thomas D. Barnett"
To: KYANKARC@ctrvax.Vanderbilt.Edu

You know for a wise-ass, your pretty funny! I got a kick out of your note. Thanks for writing anyway.


Dear Tom,

A "wise-ass"? What do you mean? You asked for my help, and I tried really hard to help you out! I'm sorry I'm not any "genius" or "space scientist", but I was only helping out like you asked. Geez. Next time I get a generic message in my "in-box", I will think twice about going over to their web site to look at stuff I'm supposed to buy. Who knew the "internet" could be full of such mean-spirited people???



PS: Please take me off your mailing list! You're an evil, vindictive, mean person!

(Tom hasn't written back. And I thought we were friends! That's the last time I do *him* a favor! I've taken him off my Christmas card mailing list.)

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

More Pranks [Email]

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