Zack: You will probably never see a girl wearing this costume. It will always be frat guys or the crrrrrazzzy guy from the office who gets fired after the office Halloween party.

Dr. Thorpe: This is one of those costumes where drunk guys at the Halloween party grab her big fake boobs "as a joke" but really it's just an excuse to grab something that's kind of like a boob, and to just about any guy, that's three-quarters as good as the real thing.

Zack: I like how they had to incorporate a ribbon describing the costume in case you didn't grasp its subtle message.

Dr. Thorpe: It's like a Batman costume that says "BATMAN" on it. It's age-old Halloween tradition. The sash probably should have said "I LOVE ATTENTION" though.

Zack: This is the cheap, disposable and ham-fisted modern version of those ancient fertility goddesses with the huge breasts and big stomachs. An even moderately attractive woman walking into a party with these things might as well be the queen releasing the mating pheromones in an ant colony.

Dr. Thorpe: The great thing about Halloween costumes is that when people go crazy, they don't care about what they're wearing. So someday you're going to see a homeless, ranting bag lady wearing this costume because the padding makes it warm.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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