Lowtax: Puddy ran over a rainbow and decided to fashion a festive outfit from the corpse.

Zack: I like how the sweater has a fast-pull zipper. Buddy, you are NEVER going to have to take that thing off in a hurry.

Lowtax: Maybe it's like that because they know nobody in their right mind would wear such a thing, so it's like a prank shirt. Somebody shows up at a funeral wearing this and the shocked family and friends start to freak out, but then, ZIP, he was wearing a suit underneath the entire time! Oh Puddy, you have the heart of a clown.

Zack: And such a stentorian voice. It's like you were born to give voice to a CIA agent father and his delightful family interactions with a talking fish and a goofy alien sidekick.

Lowtax: What is that word he's covering up with his GI Joe hair?

Zack: I think they just spelled Aspirin wrong. Just what do you think he's doing in the mountains wearing that sweater? Maybe in Peru or Chile or wherever he is that's like the orange jacket hunters wear to keep from getting shot by bigfoots or something.

Lowtax: He's protecting that rock from resource-hungry miners, intent on transforming the vast outdoor wilderness into a barren and desolate field of non-rainbows.

Zack: Maybe if they get too close with the bulldozers he's going to unzip that sweater in a hurry and have some totally unbeatable protest message written on his chest like "MINE ARE BETTER THAN MINERS!" The bulldozers would just see that shit and explode and all of the miners would run screaming.

Lowtax: I think just looking at his outfit without proper eye shielding would shut down their mining operation pretty darn quick. And that white / black stripe just looks so out of place on that, it's like his head is the top of a giant sperm flying straight out of the ground. It's Captain Planet's sperm, here to protect the rocks.

Zack: Maybe he isn't there to protect them. Maybe he's trying to wiggle his head into a crevice and impregnate the mountains under the erroneous belief that they will give birth to more natural splendor.

Lowtax: Think of the huge baby a sperm that big would produce. We're talking about a David Puddy so huge that it could barely fit into Hair Explosion Lady's head.

Zack: But it would be David Puddy crossed with a mountain. So if centaurs have taught me anything - and they have taught great wisdom - it would have the lower body of a mountain and the torso, arms, and head of David Puddy.

Lowtax: Who could possibly make a rainbow shirt big enough for the Puddy Rock Minotaur? Not even Slick Look Shirts!

Zack: I think Etro was born to handle that sort of thing. A huge flowing robe and a thousand foot long beard is exactly what the Puddy Mountaintaur needs.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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