Overview: Casper van Indiana Jones runs away from a host of new and exciting things, including Reggie Watts freshly escaped from a Turkish torture chamber, the world's first (and last) choreographed solo mime fight, and Jonathan Hyde's literally soul-shattering morning breath. Oh, and King Tut is in there somewhere too.
Directed By: Russel Mulcahy, 2006
The Case For: There's one bit character who is a savant at using dynamite. He names his explosions and can pretty much dig you a new code-standard finished basement in one blast. That's more of a case for leaning heavily on the fast-forward button than a case for actually watching this shit, though.
The Case Against: If you're looking for historical accuracy, this movie is about on par with your garden variety History Channel "documentary" about King Tut that featured Michio Kaku explaining the science behind riding a giant serpent into battle against an immortal jackal army.
When we left off, intrepid adventureologist Danny Fremont (author of the best-selling book Atlantis: Why It's Totally Real and You Can't Prove It's Not) had just discovered the long sought- after tomb of King Tut following a solid 90 minutes of dodging camel-riding Frenchmen, complaining to his publisher, and hanging around in bars to not drink but lose at poker anyway. Not to mention a little of this:
Let's just remind everyone that this is a Hallmark Channel production, and so we should expect not only solemn, respectful treatment and deep understanding of foreign cultures, but also documentary-like historical accuracy, including wondrous artifacts like the Ancient Egyptian Duck Tour Bus (this particular model only required 5 slaves to drown per mile of operation (5 dpm), which was very efficient.) And what serious, legitimate archaeological dig would be complete without one of the smelly schizophrenic snake charmers workers being possessed by an ancient spirit who really sucks at flying?
If there's one thing Danny is good at, it's applying the time-tested dine and dash technique to any and every problem that he encounters, including evil henchmen, cocktail parties, face-to-face encounters with ultimate evil in Egyptian Super Hell, and presumably every meal that doesn't come in a bucket or cost more than a dirty look. If there are two things he's good at, the second is definitely radiating waves of smugness while he flips through his latest draft of Suck It: I Discovered the Tomb of King Tut. You might expect archaeology to at least come in neat third, but Danny also has a hidden talent for picking up engaged women during the apocalyptic end times. Also, we're pretty sure he's not very good at archaeology, possibly because he seems to think the word archaeology literally means "magic".
MEIN FUHRER, I CAN VALK!Sadly, while Danny is uncomfortably groping the engaged museum curator and trying desperately to figure out what the hell accent she has, he neglects to keep track of his loyal sidekicks, who are still bravely doing absolutely nothing of any value and occasionally making lame quips that barely register as background noise. Without his sober guidance, one of them manages to catch TB and ends up main-lining Tang in a hospital bed (astronauts call it "blasting off".)
Before the consumption or the artificial citrus flavor gets him, what's-his-face decides he'd rather go out in a blaze of boredom courtesy of the worst parkour combat ever caught on film. Farewell, whoever you are, we hardly knew ye...or cared about ye. Oh and by the way, you should probably stop moving your eyes so much in an extreme closeup shot of your dead deceased corpse in a casket at your funeral now that you got yourself killed into a dead murdered cadaver. You should also have known better than to pick a fight with Jonathan Hyde amongst all of those white linen bedsheets, because he is a diaphanous linen creature and white linen is where he lives and is from.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Mr. Sakurai-sama, where the FRICK is Dino Riki!?
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
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