In a recent update Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka explained the glory days of the internet which he dubbed "classic internet". At first glance I thought, "Oh no, old man Lowtax is angry at the internet again" and rolled my eyes so severely that I fell over and banged my head on my desk and had to be rushed to the discount minority hospital. Four hours and twenty-two dental floss stiches later I came to the realization that he was right, there is absolutely nothing interesting on the internet anymore. Gone are the days of fun competitive gaming, hillarious web sites, and useful software. Try to play an online game these days. You'll see "FUK U FAGGOT TK'ER" more than "good game". Forget exciting flash games. You know what the most popular flash game is? That thing where you hit the fucking penguin. WOW, I'm on the edge of my seat here! What is the goal of the game anyway, to see how many times you can post the link to it before someone goes insane and murders your family? At least there is some great software and utilities to download. I mean, shit, the weather right there on my taskbar? Where do I sign up? On the off chance that you actually do find something interesting to read you better make it quick before a humongous flash ads comes rolling onto the page like unwanted relatives at Christmas time.

Where did our internet go? Is it buried beneth the metric tons of ads, spyware, and virses? I sincerely hope so. All we can do is keep on digging.

One thing you rarely see these days are half way intelligent people posting on message boards. For every person still left that can spell correctly there are thousands of AOL shitheads that can't be bothered to convey their thoughts in ways that are understandable by normal human beings. Apparently English is a dead language on the internet. Most of these people are under 18 wasting bandwidth on teen sex advice forums. To put it simply, the children really are our future, and it scares me.

Nothing says "I love you" more than rubbing your dick on your girlfriend's tits. The only thing that comes close is proposing to her right before you bust your nut all over her face. "HONEY WILL YOU MARRY ME?!?!?" "YES BABY YES!" "NNNNNNGGHHHH!"

You need to call 911 right away "william007"!

This does not happen. Ever.

I know exactly what you mean. Lowtax and I do this all the time. Here is an actual chat log of an ordinary conversation we had.
lOwTaX6969: Hey baby, how's Weekend Web coming.
BigDickSpokker: Oh it's coming hard.
lOwTaX6969: In my mouth.
BigDickSpokker: In your mouth? NO! I mean, holy shit, what are you insinuating? lOwTaX6969: I am going to rape your family.

Women use the toilet? Wow, you learn something every day.

I sent this chick an email and I'm patiently awaiting my advice. If you need some advice then feel free to email the master of giving advice at

I'd imagine you would need to change your username from "DorksAreHot" to "DorkFathersAreHot". Fatty.

Well you could always just stick your dick into her face when she's sleeping. You'll find out how she really feels about you, all without asking her a single thing!

You should hurry up and have sex with him then. Once you do the pressure is off.

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful