FOX Fearlessly Features 4chan

Article: Hacker Gangs Terrorize Web


Throughout my many years in the industry I've heard quite a few people slam the institutional integrity of FOX News. They say it's a sham. A visual tabloid. A hefty bale of lies, trussed up with flashy effects and pitchforked steaming hot into the eyes and ears of mongoloid man-children. In short, a news source of relatively ill repute.

But after this excoriating expose, it's time to take those critics and toss them into the giant thermonuclear furnace which powers the hydraulics in Bill O'Reilly's single sardonic eyebrow. Thus shall the ashes of enemies turn the turbines and provide the power so he may glance askance at foes forevermore.

Now, some scoff at this report, calling it "sensationalist" or "hyperbolic" or "unrequited bullshit." They go so far as to suggest that the antics of the frighteningly anonymous Anonymous are not the work of domestic terrorists but rather the culmination of an escalating catfight born of everyday drama. I don't believe it for a minute, because I saw a two car bombs explode in that video, and if these maniacs can make vans explode over the Internet I say they're pretty goddamn dangerous!

In fact, in the interest of self-preservation I think we need more inquisitions of this sort. Who knows what other terrors could be lurking among other apparently innocuous websites. In the name of investigatory journalism, later tonight I'm going to stand in front of a darkened computer monitor and spin while chanting "Lemon Party" three times. If I'm never heard from again, I may have been sucked into a vast nefarious netherworld, far beyond the aid of all but the most dogged of deliverers. Help me, Sean Hannity. You are my only hope.

– Chris "Petey" Peterson

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News You Needn't Know provides coverage and commentary on some of the strangest stories the Internet has to offer. After the advent of cable news, it might appear as if everything that occurs is awarded an audience with Larry King and a book deal to boot. There are, however, stories which still slip into--or fail to arise from--obscurity. So, like a chimp combing crumbs from his mate's hirsute backside, in this feature we scrabble through the dregs of the Internet news machine to find the silliest, strangest, or hairiest articles out there and dissemble them to their comedic core.

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