You might as well face it; you're addicted to deep fried moon pies. Many people in the great nation of America have struggled with weight lately due to the delicious variety of readily accessible food at their fingertips. Obesity in this country is growing at an alarming rate with no signs of slowing down. After the majority of both parents in the households started working, and the increased number of divorce rates, the bulk of children's meals consist of junk food like pizza rolls and pixie stix, an easy alternative to bothersome home cooked meals. I myself was raised on bagel bites and gummi bears, making me grow into a miniature Buddha that had to be rescued countless times by the fire department whenever I fell on my back, helpless against the scorching sun. I also found out early on that overweight people can be teased horribly when the firemen would butter me up and let me cook like a fresh ham for a while before flipping me over and having a big laugh with their chums back at the station about how they baked a fat kid. For those struggling against the tasty temptations that snacks have to offer, it's an uphill battle when you are picked on everyday or put into a wheel barrel and dumped off a cliff into the dark, swirling waters below. A lot of people eat because they don't feel good about themselves and this just adds to the vicious cycle. So what can people of large girth do to stop the hate?
The answer is nothing. It’s a proven fact that fat people look pretty funny and it’s a lot of fun to push them over with hilarious results. The only way to stop being picked on in this society where the idea of beauty is nothing short of a freshly decomposing skeleton is to lose your excess weight. If you can lose enough pounds to blend back into the populace without being noticed, as well as successfully hiding your past by burning all your old photos and acquiring a new identity with forged documents and papers, you will have a chance of living a normal life.
While this is no easy task, science is making it easier for people to lose weight. Thanks to Dr. Akins, the inventor of the popular “Akins Diet”, who passed away recently (pouring out a 40 for you bro), and Dr. South Beach who just created the new “South Beach” diet, it is becoming possible to lose weight. This is all well and good, but many still complain that the process is too slow, and they want fast results so they can go to the prom and break dance, winning the heart of the prom queen and voted #1 super cool guy in the process. Tummy tucks and liposuction has always been an option for those who are weak, lazy, or dangerously obese, but they cost a lot of money, and only can be afforded on a weatherman’s salary. Why isn't there a diet for the common folks who want results fast? Well I have good news for you folks, and it’s not that Jesus has a plan for you. It’s that I am now a doctor of medicine through a system of confusing Nigerian emails, and I have created a new diet just for you called : “The Frolixo Diet”. For those of you sick of trying the same old thing, join me in a magic journey of losing weight the fun and easy way. For those of you who are of normal weight or skinny, fuck off you elitist assholes.
The Frolixo Diet Created by Dr. FrolixoBaron Von Piggy wants you to join the Frolixo Diet.
Phase 1: This is the first phase of my diet that I like to call “Phase 1". You can call it whatever you want, but I feel that if you number the phases in the order of progression, it’s a whole lost easier to keep track of. At first I named the phases after seawater crustaceans, but it proved to be an unsound method when my test patient started the lobster phase before the giant sea crab phase and went into a coma for two weeks. I assure you that it was nothing serious, and he has all the feeling back into his arms and legs now. The doctors say that soon he will be able to use his fingers and toes and that the brain damage is minimal.
Phase 1 is designed to get you ready for the fast paced latter phases of the Frolixo Diet. Think of your large gut as a alien force that needs to be properly studied and scouted before attacking it with your war ships of weight loss. Since now you are forced by the evil hamburger corporation of McDonalds to do away with super-sizing your fries, it should be a little easier to start this off. The first thing I want you to do is start a list of goals you want to achieve with this diet, and then eat the list. Goals are for faggots, the Frolixo Diet gets results
Phase 2: Are you ready to feel the burn? Well too bad because this phase is dedicated to learning what foods you should be eating, and what foods you need to issue restraining orders on. It is EXTREMLY important to stay on the food plan that I am going to outline for you. If you begin the process and then cheat like a little piggy then you will suffer horrible and irreversible consequences and praying for death won’t help. Don’t think you can get away with it by hiding in the closet and feasting on cupcakes. Santa knows when you've been naughty or nice, and I’m really tight with him so he’ll let me know. Here are the foods you cannot eat on the Frolixo Diet:
- Food made from wheat or grains
- Food that has salt or fat
Phase Red Hermit Crab: Now that you know what food are forbidden, lets get down to your daily menu that will make you lose thousands of pounds in no time. This system that I have created and perfected while working in my garage in total darkness. I did not choose to work in the dark but since the power company shut off my electricity and heat I had no choice. I knew that they were jealous of my groundbreaking project, just like my whore of an ex-wife and the mail man. Just follow these easy steps, and you will look like a million bucks! Not literally of course. Let's look at the system you will be using on the Frolixo Diet:
Breakfast: Frolixo’s Morning Sunshine Tonic ($99): Made from the purest desert oils from the heart of the Middle East, this moring tonic provides you with some energy boosters so you can start your day off right. It also is a laxative and will cause you to empty the contents of your bowels at an explosive level, expelling the putrid waste built up inside of you. It is advisable not to leave the house 6-12 hours after taking the Morning Sunshine Tonic.
Lunch: Frolixo’s Easylose Elixir ($88): Instead of packing a lunch for work or school, just bring along a bottle of this Easylose Elixir. It contains 50% of all your daily recommended doses of Zinc and tastes sort of chewy so give you the sense that you are eating real food. Crafted from wild berries handpicked from the finest groves in Northern Canada, it is designed to speed up the fat burning process from the small amounts of hydrochloric acid added to the elixir. If it burns, that means it's working.
Afternoon: Frolixo’s Fat-B-Gone Topical Wonder Cream ($50): In the afternoon it is important that you use the Fat-B-Gone Topical Wonder Cream on your affected fat areas. The cream is scientifically designed to absorb your fat cells and dissolve them into a foamy waste that will surface once the cream sets in. After using the Fat-B-Gone Cream, you should hose yourself off to rid yourself of these dead cells, revealing a sculpted hard body. Please do not overuse the cream or it might weaken your outer layer enough so that your organs will spill out as their wont.
Dinner: Any meal of your choice, you can pig out to your heart’s content: Your earned it! After doing such a good job using the products as directed, it's time to treat yourself to anything you want. A steak, pizza, hamburger or even a corn dog. Hard work is not without it's rewards.
Right after Dinner: Frolixo’s Cookietoss Epithet Shake (vomit inducers) ($80): Of course you can't keep all that fatting food you just gorged yourself with in your body. The Cookietoss Epithet Shake is made with a mixture of rotten eggs, circus peanuts, old milk, and soy source. This shake should help you purge the tasty food you just consumed, and also speeds up the weight loss in this manner.
There is a whole lineup of grandtastic products that are tailor made to shave of the pounds in 30 days or your money back (by money back I mean I'll think about it)! At these prices how you afford to say no? If you are tired of being overweight and don't wont to partake in those slow meal programs and exhausting exercise routines, then the Frolixo Diet is for you! Act now you fat fool!
I really hope to see a lot of you take action with your life and try my Frolixo Diet. You need to get out of your hammock, break all the mirrors in your house, and start having some self confidence to make some changes in your life. You need to realize that you are God's beautiful butterfly and he wants you to lose weight so you can get hot chicks and run in slow motion on the beach. Do it for yourself, do it for your future, and do it for me. Please, I really need the cash. If I don't have it by midnight I'm seriously fucked. Happy dieting!
(A special thanks to Pre who was my test subject for the Frolixo diet. He sadly did not past the tests but he will be remembered in our hearts)
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.