This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
**Welcome, Commander! This is your private Ares Station Command Queue. If you are not the commander and have somehow accessed this area in error, please contact a technician immediately. The information before you is of a highly sensitive nature and is intended for the exclusive viewing of the Ares Station Commanding Officer only. Any tampering herein may result in criminal persecution punishable by death in accordance with Interstellar Commerce Commission standards.
*** Previous Updates - Archives for the following dates are available:
**Hello, Commander. The following important items await your approval. All approved items are subject to immediate review by DynaMars Corporate. Thank you for your continued outstanding leadership!
***04-02-2304 - Command Item #8742
Quantum Labs Survey Expedition #427 has located a "derelict alien vessel" and retrieved from it numerous biological specimens of unknown origin. Chief Science Officer Thorpe is requesting that the specimens be named "Thorpoids" and that retrieved specimen #001-X, a bloodsucking invertebrate that excretes a lethal toxic gas and lays eggs in the skulls of living human hosts, be named "Suzy" in honor of his 8-year-old daughter.
"She loves science," states Chief Science Officer Thorpe.***04-02-2304 - Command Item #8743
Adjunct Sanitation Engineer Burroughs is requesting the allocation of three additional crewmen to assist him in preparing the Area 1 Cargo Bay for the upcoming Interstellar Scrabble Tournament scheduled for 1500 on 04-04-2304.
"Basically," states Adjunct Sanitation Engineer Burroughs, "I need a few people to help me move these explosive barrels from the Area 1 Cargo Bay to the storage closet behind the firing range, which is all the way in Area 2. Then I need them to help me move the non-explosive barrels of Shasta Cola from the storage closet in Area 2 to the Area 1 Cargo Bay."***04-02-2304 - Command Item #8744
Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren reported that the owner of a Class D Starburst Transport Vessel, Registration NC-4762R, currently docked in the Area 8 Shipyards, left his lights on. He is requesting that Chief Intercom Officer Jones issue a station-wide alert.
"His batteries will run out and that has me really worried. I'd like to page him to come turn them off," stated Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren.***04-02-2304 - Command Item #8745
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen reports trouble in the Area 7 Biosphere. A beaver has somehow gotten lose and is chopping down many of the trees in a futile attempt to create a dam. Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen has requested that Chief Security Officer Mackey dispatch an elite team to find and exterminate the pesky beaver. Already the beaver has downed a mighty sequoia and three Douglas-firs.
"The trees are falling like dominos," informs Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen. "Something has to be done quickly before that beaver gains a home court advantage."***04-02-2304 - Command Item #8746
Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren is requesting permission to detonate a CRM Electro Magnetic Pulse Weapon in the Area 8 Shipyards in order to cut power to the unoccupied vessel.
Chief Shipyard Officer Hendren reasons, "This guy's battery will probably be dead in a matter of minutes if I don't do something drastic - and soon!"
**EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN INITIATED. STANDBY...
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
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