This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.

***01-24-2306 - New Entry

LOGMAN has learned from the Interstellar Police Force that a Mercury Syndicate attack on Cycnus Station is imminent. LOGMAN recommends activation of the Cycnus Station Emergency Missile Defense Shield immediately. Resident #012 is hereby ordered to report to Sector E Combat Information Center immediately. :( :( :(

LOGMAN is rescinding DynaMars Corporation Uniform Standards Protocol #01-A in full. In order to improve comfort, Resident #012 is no longer required to wear his uniform, or any article of clothing for that matter, which should save an estimated 3 minutes each day. LOGMAN would like Resident #012 to utilize this time by exercising more, including regular stretching and yoga. :D

***01-25-2306 - New Entry

LOGMAN is pleased to report all Mercury Syndicate ships have been destroyed. LOGMAN also reports that DynaMars Corporation Orbital Communication Relay Satellite 88-D was destroyed in the process. Until it is fixed, all communications outside of Cycnus Station will be limited to sensitive Level 3 Security Clearance communications only. :(

LOGMAN is happy to keep Resident #012 company for the remaining 1,090 days of service. :)

In light of the extraordinary circumstances involved, LOGMAN has elected not to report this unnecessary property destruction to DynaMars Corporate. LOGMAN is confident Resident #012 will find a way to repay the favor. ;)

LOGMAN just wants to remind all Cycnus Station personnel (Resident #012) that clothing is optional. ;)

***01-26-2306 - New Entry

LOGMAN would like to remind Resident #012 that there are no other personnel assigned to Cycnus Station. Please stop talking to non-existent lifeforms. LOGMAN's sensors are not designed to handle this sort of confusion. :|

LOGMAN would like to remind Resident #012 that Cycnus Station is equipped with two restrooms. Please start using them in lieu of station corridors. >:(

LOGMAN is super proud of Resident #012, who today made an important breakthrough in Sector C Quantum Labs. He successfully routed the malfunctioning Intrabladder Entanglement Pattern Buffer through the Electron Catalyst Transducer's Baconization Protocols to create a perpetual bacon generator.

This important scientific discovery will surely enhance life for all mankind, and Resident #012's name will echo through the halls of history for all time. :) :) :)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Copyright ©2021 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful