Jesus suffered on the cross. He doesn't want to suffer through you reciting The Apostle's Creed phonetically.Allow me to entertain you with an anecdote: The Greater Wichita Heating and Plumbing Little Sluggers say a team prayer before the big game. Three hours later, they win, and each player is given a personal pan pizza coupon for their hard work during the season. Hundreds of miles away, a small, starving girl in Honduras, delirious with fever, begs God for a single grain of rice to sustain her through the night. By morning, she is reduced to an unflattering, riceless corpse.

The difference between these two stories? Only one message to God was aided by my Advanced Prayer Strategies. (The one without the dead Mexican.)

Hi, I'm Len Haverfield. You may know me best from my line of Beanie Baby-themed nativity scenes, but after being successfully sued by Ty, Inc. over the rights to Virgin Mandrill Mary, I've since changed my entrepreneurial focus to the world of prayer. As you know, most Christians consider their conversations with God to be an essential part of their faith; but with over a billion prayers transmitted to Heaven every day, how can you be sure He's even listening? It's going to take more than some bent knees and folded hands to get God's attention, and with Len Haverfield's Advanced Prayer Strategies, you'll learn how to kick those wimpy, "traditional" prayers to the curb with some truly sacred showboating.

For just $39.99 plus shipping, handling, and Kinko's binding charge, Advanced Prayer Strategies will teach you:

  • God's secret nickname... known only by The Jews!
  • Peak prayer hours: don't get caught up in the pre-bedtime rush!
  • How to bargain with God on your terms. Learn about His secret past, and use it against Him!
  • Over 500 compliments God's never heard before, organized alphabetically!
  • The secret to getting your three wishes promised in The Old Testament, as revealed by The Bible Code!
  • Surefire Sudoku Strategies: we had twenty blank pages to fill.

Just take a look at these Advanced Prayer Strategies excerpts and you'll soon understand why spitting out a simple Our Father is like stabbing Jesus Christ Himself in the side with a spear... of tedium!

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful