Uh I hate to break it to you, media, but that's not how guns work. Idiots.I'm frequently approached on the street by complete strangers, who pull me aside and casually ask, "hey Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, how can America put an end to all the senseless gun violence that takes hundreds of lives every day?" This is primarily why I spend a good majority of my day filing restraining orders.

Before we can solve such a complex and multi-faceted issue, we must first examine the history of this great country of ours, the United States of USA. Our freedom-loving, slave-owning Founding Fathers decided to flee England in 1776 due to the Queen of England being a total bitch, so they loaded up all their shit in the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Clausingo, and sailed for the country well known for its unbridled freedom, the paradise known as "America." Well back then it was named "Indiantopia," because the Native Americans in those days were highly racist against themselves.

Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Thomas Edison, Thomas Einstein, Baby Einstein, and Baby Sinclair from "Dinosaurs" took their first steps onto the majestic coastline of Beachwood Beach West, New Jersey, and triumphantly exclaimed, "we are now free from a government that rules with terror and tyranny. Now let us start rubbing blankets with AIDS and hand them out to all the weird looking red people who haven't yet all been relocated to uninhabitable land full of crooked casinos and liquor stores."

Between that moment in history and now, many other important things happened such as:

  • Somebody poured tea into the ocean because they really hated fish

  • I think a queen somewhere said "let them eat cake," but instead of letting people eat cake, she murdered them. Cake and murder were often interchangeable words back then.

  • The Teapot Dome Scandal

  • Hands Across America and New Coke brought the entire country together by making everybody violently ill at the same time.

  • That one kid fell down a well

LOL it rhymes, I can't possibly fathom why this didn't end all gun violence.All this leads us to where we are now, which to the best of my knowledge, is right here. If you haven't been keeping up with the news lately, every single paper has a variation of the same story as their headline every single day, such as:

  • Gun violence claims the life of a prominent surgeon who specialized in operating on gun violence victims to try and make them less dead.

  • Four people shot to death by a gun that shot bullets at them and those people, for whatever esoteric reason, declined to avoid being shot.

  • Republicans draft amendment making it legal for legally insane people to own and use nuclear warheads, as long as it's not within 20 feet of an elementary school. Or it is. Either way works.

  • Unborn baby forces mom to swallow entire gun and 30 rounds of 9mm ammo, then holds her hostage from inside her womb, forcing her to rob a bank and use the cash to replenish her rapidly dwindling supply of meth.

  • Stupid moron blows his stupid moron head off after bragging to his friends "watch what I can do," and then putting the gun inside his mouth and spraying his own brains over one of those talking bass fish things that are mounted on a fake wooden slab and say hilarious things like "my entire existence is pure pain" and "what god would allow this to happen to me?"

Gun violence has grown so uncontrollably that a recent study concluded for every one living resident of Chicago, three other residents are shot to death every single day, including the aforementioned living resident. This is an incredibly surprising and absolutely unsettling trend that has, in no way whatsoever, been consistently happening in every major US city, growing at a steady rate for the previous six million decades. Scientists predict by the year 2024, service industries will run out of living people to hire, and will be forced to let corpses operate the deep frying machines.

So how do we address this complex, multifaceted issue that affects each and every one of us, assuming each and every one of us are currently dead or in the process of becoming very dead after being shot repeatedly? Politicians have been promoting their own weak, ineffective ideas for decades now, and all of them end up being abject failures, such as:

  • Creating new laws that say "murder is illegal" and "shooting people with guns, is actually bad, and not good." Sometimes they double down on such rhetoric and make public speeches explaining how murder is "really, REALLY bad" (they say the second "REALLY" a lot louder than the first one).

  • Asking criminals to willingly turn in their guns to police stations, which in theory is the absolute perfect idea if you disregard the fact that criminals actually want to keep their weapons in order to commit crimes (that's their job after all).

  • Hiring PR agencies to create PSAs that have urban youth rapping "guns are bad, they ain't no good, don't go shooting people in my hood" and then they twist their fingers around to make some secret urban youth code for "lol jk."

  • Making it infinitely more difficult to legally purchase a firearm, by requiring the buyer to sign his name twice on a piece of paper and then taking a multiple choice quiz that asks, "do you plan on illegally murdering a lot of people with this gun (Y / N)?" It doesn't really matter which answer they choose, as they'll get the firearm anyway, along with a pamphlet explaining the optimal way to lead targets from long distances.

It's no surprise that the government is unable to formulate a plan that reduces gun violence, and I'm not just saying that because the government is unable to formulate a plan to do absolutely anything successfully ever. This is where we, the private citizens, more specifically me, the private citizen, steps in. While taking an absolutely humongous dump on the toilet this morning at 4:00 AM, I started contemplating how unbelievably smart my brain atoms are, and it would require absolutely no effort on my part to solve this whole gun violence deal, despite the fact that I was, at the time, unbelievably drunk.

So without further ado, I present to you my surefire (ha ha get it?!? It's stupid!) way to eliminate all gun violence in the US and return us to the glory days when everybody was nice and cordial to each other. That's why it was called the "Civil" war, you know.


GREAT IDEA #1: Force all gun manufacturing companies to begin production of guns that, when used, insult the user's penis. Like there could be a little mp3 player with a speaker in the grip, and when you shoot a bullet, the gun says "hey buddy, your dick is probably gross and smells weird and curves in a totally fucked up way." Then the criminal will instantly stop shooting and get into an argument with his gun, at which time somebody else with a gun (and earplugs) shoots him to death.

GREAT IDEA #2: The government should form a business partnership with every company that prints dictionaries, and continually change the word "gun" to mean something completely different every other day. Imagine the scenarios:

EVIL CRIMINAL WHO WANTS A GUN: "Yo I'm going to buy a gun and use it to shoot a lot of people. Illegally."
EVIL CRIMINAL'S FRIEND: "How the hell are you going to shoot somebody with a stalk of corn you fucking idiot?!?"
EVIL CRIMINAL WHO WANTS A GUN: (begins weeping uncontrollably)

Then the evil criminal, unable to deal with the shame he has brought upon himself and his family's good name (his name is "Bob Illegal Criminal"), will have no choice but to chain himself down in a basement and eat worms for the rest of his life, much like popular gay rights icon the Babadook.

This gun is pregnant with triplets.GREAT IDEA #3: Hire Santa Claus to break into everybody's homes and replace all their guns with those stupid ass shitty presents his asshole elves made in the North Pole in all those crap 50s Christmas movies. Santa pretty much has global clearance for breaking and entering, so why not take it a step further and let the fat old bearded fucker replace somebody's Glock with a tiny garbage wooden toy horse that no child in the history of the universe has ever even vaguely desired? The only possible issue that may arise here is Santa getting shot by gun owners, but let's be honest, he's wayyy past his prime anyway. It's fucking 2018 and you seriously believe children want jack-in-the-boxes? Jesus Christ, no wonder our kids are growing up to hate humanity.

GREAT IDEA #4: Round up all the people who do not own guns, then allow government firing squads to shoot them to death before the evil gun criminals have a chance to do the same. Most gun violence is due to either personal disagreements regarding personal hygiene, or with the main goal of causing a person who was previously living to become dead. If the government just takes a courageous stand and announces 99% of the population will be summarily executed, the criminals will lose all motivation to shoot them! Have you ever tried shooting a corpse before? It's dumb as fuck and a complete waste of time! Owned by logic, gun criminals!

I firmly believe that my groundbreaking, revolutionary ideas will permanently solve the waves of gun violence sweeping our streets, like a street sweeper except instead of having broom bristles on the bottom of it, there's just a whole bunch of firearms and it doesn't really clean up the streets as much as it confuses every party involved. If you work for the government, please hire and offer me a lucrative job position with plenty of benefits, such as getting paid regardless of if I actually show up at the office ever. Just like our Founding Fathers, I, too, refuse to wear pants in public.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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