Efficient transportation networks are the lifeblood of corporations in the global environment of the 21st century. Fleets of trucks and ships can service the needs of the consumer, but there are times when the executives in your corporation may need to be somewhere as quickly as possible. For that situation ExecuCorp suggests a commercial airline or perhaps a modest corporate jet. If your goal is to make a big impression on a client or competitor, however, then ExecuCorp Helicopter Solutions will be happy to meet your needs.

Helicopters are loud, powerful and fairly slow. They have a lot of flashing lights and they can land virtually anywhere. In a word, ExecuCorp likes to think of the helicopter as "dramatic." When you want to lend gravitas to your daily business operations or turn an event into a major event then nothing can make your case quite like a helicopter.

ExecuCorp understands that not every corporation can maintain a fleet of helicopters and that not every client can afford to buy even a single helicopter for an event. That is why we offer several tiers of packages to cater to the needs and means of our clients.

Departing Executive Package

The Perfect accompaniment to shouting "shred everything!"

This package is perfect for the executive who needs to get out of somewhere quickly and wants people to know that even a chauffeured limousine is beneath him. This is also a great way to give people the impression that your business is very urgent. Your coworkers and clients will think that you are fleeing from the FBI when you are just taking a quick tour of the city and then a trip to your suburban home.

This package includes an unadorned late model Bell civilian helicopter, a pilot and a man in a suit wearing dark sunglasses who will stand next to the helicopter and hold the door open as you rush inside. The package also comes with a pager for the pilot linked to your cellular telephone. Just page him and he will immediately start the helicopter up so that you do not have to wait around on the rooftop.

Terms: $20,000 per month

Rooftop Monologue Package

Whether coming or going there is only one way to say what you mean and that's with a helicopter.

Do you have something very important to tell someone, but you're not sure you can deliver the information convincingly? A helicopter whirring in the background will put you on the high ground! Whether it's a nosy reporter prying into your corporate affairs, an ex-employee with some very serious accusations you have to answer for or just a family member you want to impress, giving your speech on a rooftop with a helicopter waiting is going to blow them away. Your credibility will soar as high as our Bell 124Z late model helicopters!

This package includes a Bell 124Z (available in ink, saffron or milk paper) with corporate appliqué logos available at reasonable prices. Our helicopter will deliver you once a month to a location of your choosing or remain on standby to pick you up with one hour's notice. Our pilot will land the helicopter and wait up to fifteen minutes while you deliver your monologue. For an additional premium fee this package can also include a reasonably attractive woman in executive attire who will stand near you talking quietly on a cellular telephone.

Terms: $25,000 per month + $2,000 for "personal assistant"

Traveling Villains Package

A bigger helicopter and a bigger statement about the seriousness of the situation.

That scientist has defected to a rival Zaibatsu and you will be in deep trouble with the shadowy upper management if you don't get him back! Sure, you could drive around with the Keystone Kops from corporate security, but what you need is a symbolic effort. Our Traveling Villains Package will provide you with a great opportunity for a dramatic monologue, followed by a departure that lets your rival salarymen know that you're the man in charge.

This package includes a Sikorsky OH-72 (available in midnight, gun metal and gold finch) helicopter with leather interior, custom logo application and room for up to three passengers. In addition to the helicopter we will include one of three dramatic henchmen packages from HireCorp, our sister corporation.

  • The Oyabun's Ronin package includes three indistinctly Asian men with top knots in tailored suits. All three will wear designer sunglasses and earpieces. Each carries a briefcase and a katana.
  • The Secret's Out with HireCorp's Secret Service look-alikes package. Hand-picked muscular squarejaws in dark business suits will accompany you wherever you go. Like the Oyabun's Ronin package these men come complete with sunglasses and earpieces, but they will stand much closer to you and appear to vigilantly scan the area. Every few minutes one or more will reach suddenly into his breast pocket as if he has spotted a threat.
  • The Sinister Menagerie package is perfect for those executives who like to foster an image of thinking outside the box. This package include a disfigured mute giant wearing chainmail and leather pants, a busty woman in a gothic corset with welding goggles and replica machine pistols from Heckler & Koch and a man in a stained powder blue tuxedo with a leather bondage mask over his head and gloves that end in hypodermic needles.
Your henchmen will stand by and, if asked, interject a bit of wit into your monologue. They might bow deferentially or they might make crude gestures depending on the package you have selected. They will follow you once you board the helicopter. The helicopter rental includes a pilot who will fly you up to 500 kilometers or 6 hours per month. Time includes henchmen loiter time.

Terms: $75,000 per month

Dramatic Paramilitary Arrival Package

Arrive with the forcefulness that you merit.

Labor disputes at your Guatemalan factory? Offices a bit too close to a WTO meeting? A class reunion? Our Dramatic Paramilitary Arrival Package (or DPAP) will ensure that you burn your first impression into the minds of your friends, clients and competitors. Swoop in on your location in up to three Blackhawk helicopters and watch the faces of your clients as an elite team of commandos fan out. Those guns aren't real, but the peace of mind you get from a great entrance is completely authentic.

This package includes one to three refurbished Sikorsky Blackhawk helicopters (available in coal, verdant field or glacier shock) with militarized interiors. Our graphic design department will modify your logo to give it a more militant feel for the 21st century and our custom stenciling department will mark your helicopters as if you belonged to a branch of the US government. These logos will not include official seals and you will be in no danger of arrest for impersonating government officials.

Also included are four elite Show Commandos from HireCorp per helicopter. These flexible performers are fully trained in military jargon, radio chatter and effective tactics for posing around a landing location. Each man comes equipped with forehead stress point tactical headset, authentic stripy face paint, a replica assault weapon (your choice), SWAT-style combat webbing and, for a nominal fee, a poncho or overcoat that will flutter dramatically in the downdraft from your helicopter's rotors.

For an additional fee of $10,000 a late model Bell helicopter in matching colors will fly past the landing location in advance of your party and drop red, white and blue smoke grenades.

Terms: $100,000 for one time arrival for one helicopter, $75,000 for each additional helicopter

Deluxe Paramilitary Arrival Package

The ultimate package for the ultimate executive arrivals.

When three Blackhawk helicopters just aren't sufficient for the job. We have taken the idea of a paramilitary arrival and we have brought it to the next level. This is the perfect package for the on-the-go executive who needs to be seen in a war zone. Iraq, Iran, Syria, Washington, Yugoslavia, Africa: all of the hot zones around the world are just waiting for an enterprising individual to show up and take advantage of chaotic markets. A lawless land is a free land! Sign up for our Deluxe Paramilitary Arrival Package (or DPAP) and show those war torn nations why the free market rules.

This package includes one Sikorsky Blackhawk helicopter (available in char, transition metal and faded ruby) with as many additional Blackhawk helicopters as you care to rent. Each helicopter will be fully customized as per the DPAP and will carry four Show Commandos equipped as per the DPAP. This package also includes your choice of two helicopter gun ships (Cobra or Hind) in matching colors that will remain on-station near your landing location.

What really puts this package over the top is the wide variety of ala cart upgrades offered by ExecuCorp.

  • For $25,000 your gun ships can be upgraded to AH-64 Apache helicopters.
  • For $50,000 a Predator armed drone aircraft will circle the landing location for up to a full hour prior to your arrival.
  • For $10,000 per Blackhawk rented your Show Commandos can be upgraded to ExecuForce+. These Show Commandos will rappel down to the landing site before you actually land and they will be equipped with a cinema-quality replica of the OICW system.
  • For $200,000 HireCorp will contract from 100-150 Show Insurgents from the local population and equip them with replica Soviet weapons. These Show Insurgents will then engage in a pyrotechnic battle with your Show Commandos for several minutes before your arrival.
  • For $500,000 HireCorp and FXCorp will join forces to create a supernatural army numbering up to 50 men to do battle with your Show Commando force. In the past we have created zombie armies, werewolf armies, mummy armies, animatronic dragons and dinosaurs, alien invasion forces and an interesting all-nude women's soccer attack force.
The DPAP is also great for parties, birthday surprises and unannounced visits to friends.

Terms: $300,000 for one time arrival for Blackhawk and two gunships, $75,000 for each additional Blackhawk

Please remember that ExecuCorp is a full-service corporation. If our packages do not meet your exact needs then contact your friendly ExecuCorp representative and we will do our best to create a custom package suitable for you and your corporation. Customer satisfaction is the ExecuCorp difference.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful