Squeaky-clean TV hunk Mistery America was celebrating his rumored gig as the titular character in the upcoming Thruster Lad reboot. Mistery was out and about in an unsavory part of town and reportedly seen with an unidentified gal on one arm and underage male costar Nibbles Trouser on the other.

The trio were headed out of one of LA's trashiest bars (source of last week's Barfing Betty item) when an unknown person (Jilted Jack or Jill?) shot through their bodies with ungodly black energy, reducing them to pools of liquid flesh on the sidewalk. Also casualties were two chained bicycles and a light pole.

Smoke and smoldering smut was captured to celluloid by quick draw photogs, but the assailant was too fleet of foot to be apprehended.

Mistery America and Nibbles Trouser will be dearly missed, particularly by readers of this page, but the real question is just who is this Mad Melter?

Blind item favorite go-getter gal Chesty Cherry was seen ka-ka-kanoodling with rumored romance Johnny Depp outside the Beverley Hilton. After some salacious snogging she bid beau bye-bye and hopped in her other boyfriend's borrowed Beamer.

Our sources say before she could put foot to pedal the Mad Melter hopped out of a black van and transfixed her body on black-on-black beams of boiling death.

Talk about a tan! One second in that ghastly light and Chesty Cherry's molecules made a puddle of greasy soup in the driver's seat. Hope her other man, supposedly JJ Abrams' favorite scripter Ness Bullduck, can get his money back for the implants, because car and ex-gf are toast!

Openly gay Hollywood hunk Stevie Sexfuccer tattles on up-and-coming Broadway B-lister (rumored favorite for the part of Thruster Lad sidekick Galaxy Chum), says he likes to top and bottom, roll in the hay, be called names too filthy to print, and was blasted to bosons last Saturday.

According to Stevie, a man in a dark coat (Mad Melter natch) leaped from the shadows and shone a ghastly un-light on Broadway B-lister's body. For a moment his bones became eerily visible through his clothes and flesh and then he melted like wax into a puddle of bubbling broth.

Stevie was understandably too frightened by the purple-black nothing beam to stop Broadway B-lister's assailant. What did the rising star do to deserve such a fate? Can anything stop Mad Melter's rampage?

Rapper-turned-bad-actor Dick Detroit and out-of-control wife (and frequent Gossip Unlimited blind item bff) Spice Crabtree just wanted a break from working on the an upcoming OST. They went looking for a fix, now their next of kin will be paying for a funeral. Cremation services provided by the Mad Melter.

Things really got out of hand Sunday when the druggy duo tried to score prescriptions in the wrong part of town. The melty part.

Dick Detroit was violently vaped in an instant, but deceased D.D.'s sig-o Spice managed to duck behind a parked car and put out a 911 call. Mad Melter crisped the cover with a sweep of his ravenous ray and turned spunky junkie Spice into a shadow on a nearby wall.

Coppers arrived in time to join the mayhem, but when Mad Melter turned his blazing blasts on the 5-0 they turned tail. LAPD - 0, Mad Melter - 4 according to our sources. It seems to us that Hollyweird is getting Highly-dangerous, so why aren't the cops talking?

Everyone in the TMZ knows by now the Mad Melter controls all of North and West Hollywood. Tell that to former A-lister Rita Hoxcellente, who had a great Monday supposedly landing the part of the love interest in a major upcoming scifi film, followed by the worst Wednesday she is ever going to have.

Some sources say Rita Hoxcellente has a boy problem, but after last night's lesbian luau at a beachfront bungalow Rita's b-list beau Stink Wibbington might think she has a girl problem.

All the usual suspects were invited, including Rita's supposed kissin' co-star Bulba Furlow and our sources say things got hot and heavy. Stink might have some choice words for her.

Or at least he would if a black car with blacked out windows hadn't drove up as she was exiting the party. Predictably, the Mad Melter lasered the licentious lesbo into oblivion. His scintillating scourge sliced through the house as well, spontaneously sectioning several sapphic sisters.

We hope the rumor is true and the Natty Guard is coming to wage a secret battle against the seemingly invincible Mad Melter. After all, what could be better for our blind items?

It's been weeks since nerd-hunkylicious power player KK Isaacs (supposed force behind a certain ill-starred space franchise reboot) was seen stepping out on his oblivious wife Rebecca Chutstagive with sometimes-star Missy Llardcone. She's been packing on the pounds, a sure sign that she's back on again with Isaacs as he likes to treat her to only the finest.

Too bad for the cheating couple, their recent Vegas getaway ended poorly. Our sources tell us they were trapped in a parking garage by a burning truck and chased by a menacing maniac in a trench coat.

Mad Melter? Yes, please! Our sources say KK tried to use Llardcone's Zaftig body as a shield, even begging for his life, but both were irradiated in black energy that fried their atoms and left a mess in spot 43H.

The tables turned on the Mad Melter, however, when a full battalion of the Natty Guard showed up with tanks and helicopters. The Strip last Saturday echoed with the godless howl of the melting machine as the Mad Melter heated helicopters into white slag, torched tanks, ignited infantry, and generally laid waste to Las Vegas.

Sadly, the Mad Melter's melting machine was damaged during the combat. Though he was able to escape to safety his diabolical device will require at least four weeks to repair, perhaps only two if a reader is able to provide enantiomeric strontium-28. Please email us a tip if you have some.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful