Way to fucking go Denmark!Kids love to play. Even in Dickens' novels where the kids live in orphanages, pound rocks into smaller rocks, and eat rats, they'll bust out human bones they've carved into sailboats once in a while and watch them sink to the bottom of the flooded room they sleep in. Luckily most kids outside of Indochina do not live in a book written by Charles Dickens and are free to engage in all manner of frolicking and horseplay without fear of being shot in the base of the skull by a "Nike Fun-Crew Supervisor". Children in France like to play catch and ride stick-horses, kids in Japan enjoy flying kites, kids in the United States like to have anal sex, kids in Russia mostly just dance, and apparently kids in Denmark enjoy playing Holocaust-themed games of tag.
COPENHAGEN, Denmark - Parents of more than 100 Danish scouts were outraged over a game of tag at a scout camp in which children acted as Jews wearing yellow Stars of David and tried to escape from adults pretending to be Nazis.
The school yard included a sign with the German words "Arbeit macht frei," or "Work will set you free," the infamous inscription over the entrance to the Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland.
Hilariously enough the Danes provided volunteers to form the Freikorps Danemark, a Waffen-SS formation that served for the Germans on the Eastern Front, along with a number of troops supplied to non-Danish SS formations. In other words, Western Europeans and particularly Scandinavian countries have a pretty strong tie to the Holocaust and not on the victim end of things. I'm not going to delve any deeper into the history of the subject because it would get, unbelievably, almost twice as boring as my updates usually are. Suffice it to say that taking a semi-fascist organization like the Boy Scouts and mixing in a light-hearted re-enactment of pogroms against the Jews consisting of Aryan youngsters being chased around by adults is just a little questionable and a lot homoerotic.
Much to my amazement, the Jew-run media didn't give this news item a whole lot of coverage. Meanwhile if a senator is misunderstood when saying "bike" he gets a front page story written about his anti-Semitism. Down in the swamps they call me the "Himi-hound" because I can smell a Zionist conspiracy from three-hollers away and believe me my Jew-dar was going off with this little cover-up. The reason they ("they" being the Zionist world shadow government) didn't want you to know about this article is because this sort of thing is happening all around the globe. Children are putting away their Nintendo games and slingshots and turning to a seedy underworld of playground games based on hate and genocide. I strapped on my intrepid reporter gear that looks suspiciously like a latex-inflation fetishist costume and scoured the planet searching for the darkest stories related to children's games I could find. Folks, what you are about to read will make your blood run cold. Doubly so when you realize that your very own children, or possibly your children in the future if you haven't had kids yet, or your children in alternate timelines if a boating accident rendered you incapable of reproduction, could be the ones playing these "games".
Unit 731 Dodge BallWatch out Liver! Try to catch the ball Testicles!Unit 731 was a Japanese military medical unit during the Second World War that conducted horrifying experiments on captured American, British, and Australian POWs along with Chinese men and women. These ranged from freezing the men to death, to vivisecting them, to impregnating Chinese women and vivisecting them to remove the fetus. All manner of fun and shenanigans took place in Unit 731, some of it with a shadowy scientific purpose, most of it done on a whim or out of curiosity. Combine this black stain on Japan's permanent record with the high-impact game of dodge ball and you have one of the biggest trends sweeping playgrounds throughout North Carolina.
"There really isn't anything wrong with it," said elementary school teacher Roger Carmichael as children threw dodge balls behind him. "They just toss the ball at the organ they're cutting out of the live POW. It's just a fun little game."
According to students the game is played by arranging a class of students in a shape roughly analogous to a human torso and abdomen. Each student will have the name of a particular organ written on their shirt or on a piece of cardboard hung around their neck. A single student will then stand behind a line called "the operating table", call out the organ he wishes to vivisect, and throw balls at the "organs". If he hits the one he called they "organ" is sent to the "formaldehyde jar" which is usually a circle marked on the asphalt with chalk. If the player misses he will trade places with the organ he called and suddenly the doctor becomes the patient.
"Sometimes we'll like do the neck to and use different colored balls for what we're doing to the POW." One student explained. "Like if we're testing bubonic plague I'll use a green ball and then if I want to do a freezing experiment I'll use a blue ball. It's pretty cool!"
Only a handful of surviving victims of Unit 731 have come forward to complain about the game, while a large Japanese immigrant community has written to schools in support of the activity. The feeling among most parents is that it teaches students valuable lessons about anatomy, the effects of injecting sand into the chambers of the heart, and how the world is an unfeeling and cruel machine intended to grind the goodness from the souls of men and turn them into callous simpletons who function in society on a childlike punishment-reward with no second thought save curiosity for the mind-shattering torment of a stranger.
Torch the Fucking Village!Pretty much every French schoolyard has either a woman in a bikini or a naked woman standing around.Kids in France have little or no interest in games related to Unit 731, but they sure enjoy the Christ out of a game related to America's cruelties during the war in Vietnam called "torche le village foutu" or "Torch the Fucking Village". A game best suited for summertime, it involves adults throwing buckets of scalding water onto children in white dressing gowns. Needless to say the game could have been invented only the French, the Japanese, or possibly a few creepy guys who smell like pickles and lock the door to their bedroom when they go to work even though they live alone. The kids stand in groups of four called "huts" and the teachers take turns throwing buckets of water at them. If their nipples become visible through the sheer fabric of the wetted gowns then they have to go sit in a half-buried metal box painted black while the game finishes. If an adult manages to take out all four kids in a hut with a single throw of water then they are permitted to call in a "Nate strike". They then get to turn a hose on the remaining huts while the children in the box count down from ten and a woman in a two-piece bathing suit with a stuffed deer's head over her head gyrates off to the side.
When all of the children are eliminated they are allowed to chase the adults with water balloons while the adults flee for the safety of the "helicopter on top of the embassy". These are usually a few simple rectangles market out on the asphalt or ground. No one in France is at all concerned about this game and its bizarre anti-American sentiment and sexual themes. France is full of philosophical heathens who close their eyes and see a demonic image of Uncle Sam cracking the globe open like an egg and pouring its bloody yoke into his distended mouth. I could also make some joke about France surrendering but FARK has driven that so far into the ground that it came out the other side of the comedy planet, shot into the air a hundred miles and then collided with some magically floating other ground to be driven into.
My Japan-centric mind couldn't keep me away from that quaint island nation and for my last stop on my "shocking playground activities" trip I flew to Nippon where I knew I would be in for a wild ride to top anything Mr. Toad could ever offer. Much to my horror I discovered that one of the most popular games Japanese kids are playing these days is based on the September 11th terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Children will link arms and will yell "Oh no, the plane can't stop!" followed by the name of one of the students who is portraying a plane. The kid will run as fast as he can at the line of linked kids and attempt to break through their arms. If he succeeds then the two children he broke through "collapse" and are removed from the "building". If he fails to break through then he has to join the linked hands for some reason that has no logical explanation in the event of September 11th.
There are many other interesting games being enjoyed at playgrounds throughout Japan. They're not necessarily hate related but since they came from Japan I am going to go ahead and assume they actually are and include them.Ancestor Spirit's Enema - Intended to simulate the act of administering an enema to a ghost.Not surprisingly Japan proved to be the source of many of the hottest playground trends to corrupt the minds of children throughout the world. Some of the games that are just starting to become popular, like "Abortion By Rape" and "ShoeAss", are so heinous that I can't even force myself to describe them here. Rest assured you'll have a chance to experience them all firsthand in a few years when they finally trickle over to the United States or whatever God-forsaken country you might happen to live in. Robocop help us all when we find out what the generation of playground games after that is.
Look Out! The Horse is on Fire! - An imitation of an accidental fire at a horse barn.
Goodbye Negro - A game that models the forced deportation of unwanted blacks to Africa.
President Kennedy Is Wife - Based on the concept that John F. Kennedy and Lee Harvey Oswald were married and Oswald assassinated him for buying too many outfits on Oswald's Visa by putting on poison lipstick and kissing him.
Jellybean Magical Gift Man - Game intended to debase the homeless in which children offer them money at the mouth of a dark alley and then beat them unconscious with wooden sticks called "jellybeans".
Uh-oh, Environment! - A game based on the plot of every Japanese console RPG in which nature battles industrial mankind. In the game nature is represented by the fattest kid in the class and industrial mankind is represented by all of the other kids forcing themselves to vomit on his chest.
Hentai Rape Explosion - Known in the United States as checkers.
Tora! Tora! Tora! - A bukkake and Pearl Harbor simulation where the children spray "Emperor Yamamoto" in the face with hot glue guns and then he staggers blinded to a riding lawnmower and drives over as many cats as he can before the mower runs out of gas.
Come to think of it I can't figure out why the Zionist World Government would bother pulling all of these strings to keep the playground antics so hush-hush. Maybe there's just some rule in the Jew Overlord Sky Castle that states when anything happens referring to Nazis it has to be covered up as much as possible. Either that or maybe there isn't a Zionist World Government, but then that would mean all of those rightwing conspiracy Geocities web sites I read constantly were lying to me. Then my reality would crumble.
Who You Gonna Call?
A new week and a brand new "Ask Emily" from our very own Emily "Infra Gull" Reigel, the supreme queen of answers to usually really dorky questions. This week she serves up a main course of sound advice with a side of that special brand of sass we like to call "cruelty".
I am a novice wizard on a trek laden with both dungeons AND dragons and I am considering venturing forth to the hidden desert tomb of the mad mummy king, Malhotep. What spells would you recommend I prepare for this dangerous task?
Additionally, get another hobby besides pen and paper RPG's, you dork. I am not going to spend a lot of time trying to answer your dumb RPG question because if you are sufficiently nerdy you will be able to answer this junk for yourself instead of dragging me into your pocket protector nightmare. Perhaps your geek-friends will be able to tell you what magical store to look in in order to find a "bag of holding" so that you can look inside and hopefully meet your none-too-soon doom.
Go and read it now! Why are you still reading what I have to say? GO!
Wondering what Psycho would look like if the Detective Pikachu team made it? Well now you have the answer, so that should free up eight hours of your day.
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.